Little Red River Trip

We went to a little cabin to get away back in October and went trout fishing on the Little Red River. Thought I would look back and share a few pictures.... ...

In Memory

This week has been difficult; we are breathless at many times again remembering exactly where we were at this time one year ago. We are going to get away again this weekend, leaving this afternoon, to be together just Pierce, Blake and I. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and memories of Lucas.

In Loving Memory of Lucas. You left us all to soon last year (10/2/08) but you will never be forgotten.

Thanks for watching over us Blue Eyes!!

Happy 4th Birthday Pierce

He has also started playing soccer...

And is going up too fast.

What Do You Do When... WANTED TO PUT THIS ON OUR BLOG FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO STILL FOLLOW WITH US: THIS IS A DEAR FAMILY WE KEEP UP WITH, THEIR PRECIOUS MORIAH, BLAKE AND I KNOW TOO WELL HOW BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN THIS IS.
THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW OUR STORY WILL SEE WHEN YOU READ THE PARALLELS OF OUR JOURNIES WITH THESE ANGELS. THESE PRECIOUS WORDS HAVE BEEN MADE MORE AWARE NOW ESPECIALLY EMBARKING ON ONE YEAR SINCE THE GREAT SADNESS OF LUCAS. WE ENCOURAGE YOU TO GRAB A CUP OF YOUR FAVORITE BEVERAGE AND SIT BACK TO PONDER...READ..PRAY FOR THIS FAMILY AND THEN FOR US...WE LOVE YOU ALL DEARLY
What Do You Do When... you wake up with a lump in your throat, but don't have anymore tears left to cry it out?..... ..... What do you do when you get home from a long day at the hospital and take a shower, where you can finally be alone and cry in peace - but you still can't and the lump in your throat is still there?It's just been one of those years...

PLEASE PRAY NOW

for Moriah and her family, they have been in the hospital since November of last year and has battled daily since then with many issues. She is a CHARGE friend of ours and her blog is here:momentswithmoriah.blogspot.com/

Pierce Swimming, Trip to Lucas's Marker

Sorry it's been so long since we've posted we've had a busy and mostly fun summer with lots of ups and downs still in the healing process and hoping that September and October wont come with the dreaded sledge hammer blow we are fearing on the anniversary of our precious one's departure from this life into the next.

Fortunately we are seeing God's grace and mercy move in our lives more freely these days which has been a refreshing to our spirits.

Just thought I would try and catch up with some over due pictures so here goes:

Pierce's infamous "cannond" ball

Our trip by to see Lucas's marker today... ...

I would say to "see him" but I can't seem to put in those words because most days we see him everywhere we go and because we know he is not really there at the cemetery, of course he is in heaven.

I must say that Lucas has the best looking marker on the lot, guess he stands out in a crowd even now...

Pierce loves to play with the toys on the other markers so we cleaned a few off and straightened a few things up. Guess we need to drop some off at Lucas's

Pierce can recognize letters now so he spelled out Lucas's name even though he can't read it.

Summer 2009 Hi Lights

BNC Worship (that's Blake shoulder on the right too... ...)

Lots of Swimming

A little bit of fishng

And fun on the lake

including the fourth of July

Keith Urban Concert including a lucky backstage pass to met him!!

And then he came to see us right next to our row!!!!!!! My hand is down there close to his guitar.

More Chilling

and a little resting

and some magic springs.

Letter's of Faith

Sorry it has been a bit since my last post..The race of life is very enduring!Two things i want to write, share about is..Just two evenings ago i was in our closet looking thru some files, documents i was searching for in a little safe we have for important things..The phrase taking your breath away LITERALLY applies here. i did find what we needed as well as on the very bottom of the stack...Letters written by our closest family and the dvd we had put together that we played for lucas' funeral. Haven't seen it since, AS WELL AS the cd that he slept to every single night. So i look..i stare..dare i touch it you know, as if it were going to break or bite me..The front cover of his dvd was covered in a montage of lucas' pics throughout..as i sweep my hand across it and flooding memories leap into my chest..i calmly cry, then looke past it down deeper into the box and found two letters. one written by blake's dasd to us after Lucas passed and one that he included that was written by blake's grandmother to his grandfather concerning Faith. i can never do them justice by telling you in my way, so blake and i have decided to place it here for all to read..someone WILL get great release and benefit from it. So i am sobbing at the freedom these this letter gave me thursday night sitting in the floor of my closet. Holding on, loving and feeling again his pure love. Lucas' obituary was there as well..enough said about that right?

The second thing is that pierce will start school again tues, wed, thurs in august..Was praying of going back into the medical of obgyn and landing a job after being out of work so long, Well God answered our prayer and i start monday at the very place and doctor that delivered me, as well as my two boys!!! A wonderful peaceful place. I believe it will be healing to help others again, to be around babies and HOPE others bring in. And maybe i can help heal a life that hurts deeply..I hope life and this letter finds you all well, i pray whatever you believe..that ur waters are being stirred and ur wellsprings of life are alive and kicking! For those of you hanging onto your frilled and raveled end of the rope...i pray for clarity of mind, and hand to squeeze and a breath of fresh air to help change your circumstance.. Let these two letters be of service to you. take it in!! love

An evening to remember: July 16, 2009

Today we traded in our honda for a bmw convertible. It is a blessing!! Tonight just a bit ago blake wanted to take it out for a spin to see what she could really do. The top is down, mister pierce man tucked away tightly in back behind me, and we are off..Pierce yelled at one point on the interstate "Dad look at the star", then we realized and explained to him it was an airplane. He was having a blast letting his face and hands fold with the wind! For me it is a moment to steal away with all the memories as blakes driving! Pieces of our souls continue to return, new ways of surrendering to the seasons of life!! It is life...This is our life now..We are blessed to have it! I am walking instead of crawling. We love you ALL!!!

since we haven't gotten around to restoring the old posts accidentially deleted just yet I thought I would add a link of the videos from those posts.

click here to watch all the ones on one true media's website.

Lucas = Love + Light

Missin' my Blue Eye's, wishing I could come home and check on you, pick you up from PT, take to ACH for a check up... ... I'm sure you've more important things to do today playing with the Angels and family in heaven while worshipping like only you could. Love Dad (blake)

Hope everyone had an awesome holiday and good times with loved ones! We had a blast at the lake. We are blessed to have incredible friends and family surrounding us. Pierce and myself are having what seems a summer cold! We feel horrible, so we r home in bed resting up trying to recover. Blake is well and working hard for the family.
I realized out on the boat this weekend whilst watching the water and sky...that i am finally coming out from behind the clouds! The fear and anguish is starting to subside, i am responding better with myself and others naturally now instead of faking it to save face! Little pieces of my soul are starting to reform an take notice of my surroundings. My eyes are starting to look up for help from God and his grace instead of my fist being raised in anger and doubt. Dare i say this next line....I am finally hearing songs again, as i sit at the piano or quietly still i have been letting the songs come to me and it is vulnerable whats happening! Instead of letting this whole experience take me and our family over, i am taking it over within and bringing my life, my emotions, my belief and thoughts upward..So we are treading softly and with great respect on this new road, stopping often to take it all in again, smell the roses, taste the bitter, grief our losses and walk on!! I love the song "Walk on" by U2!! This song talks about fighting for freedom after being caged up like a bird, then fighting to survive once you fly..So the lesson for today that i have learned is there is mending taking place, no matter how fragile and loose the ends are, my streams are beginning to move again, and i am not as thirsty as yesterday!! love mk

Hello to all!! Ohh Blake and I love you all so very much. I am amazed at how healing and uplifting it has been to blog again, to hear from all of you. Having others carry and emphasize with us is family. Happy 4th of july to everyone!! We are headed to lake hamilton with family from thurs-monday. This has been a great week so far. Probally the best since our great sadness thanks to our support from you. I am beginning to see daylight.

making sense of grief

After doing some searching and opening up to the reality of our loss we realize that we are in a good place and that the next "stage" of moving through our greif is upon us.

Also, after talking with Pierce... ... who the other day while we were talking about Lucas asked, "Momma, are you sad?" the conversation went like this:

Pierce: Momma, are you sad?
Me: Yes, I miss Lucas.... ... you remember Lucas, your brother... ...
Pierce: Yes mom, where is he?
Me: You know ... ...
Pierce: He's with Jesus!
Me: That's right
Pierce: Momma, I can make you happy!
Me: Yes you sure can!!

Then tonight while sitting with Blake:
Pierce: Dad, momma's sad
Blake: Yes, but that's ok
Pierce: We'll make her happy.
Blake: Yes we will, your right

Anyway after finding a link on stages of grief and sharing it with a few via e-mail, my sister-in-law, Karri, sent me this that is a wonderful explaination as well:

“At one time or another the emptiness comes. Know this space. It may be with you for a time and it may be one of the most important spaces in your life. It is in this quiet after the outward grieving that the seeds of your new life begin to grow. Some call this emptiness the ‘dark side of the soul’. You’ve let go of something precious and familiar and the new meaning is not yet known. It takes a lot of courage to live in this emptiness. Just be with it. Pay attention to what is trying to grow-new qualities or ways of being, new ideas about work—whatever. There is an old Zen saying, ‘You can’t fill a teacup that is already full.’ If we allow the emptiness we can move to a new fullness. You have a choice with this time. You can use this quiet space instead of it using you. Catch up on sleep. Take long walks. Work with the earth. When our hearts break, they break open making more room for everybody and everything—more love, more joy, more compassion. We can stay open to loneliness and pain knowing it is moving us to a new fullness OR we can shut down. A heart that is broken open doesn’t close unless we close it. One can’t have others think or feel this out for us. One must do the work for oneself. There are no short cuts. You cannot go around—you can only go through it.”

May grief fill your soul and mend your broken heart again.

Here is the link to the seven stages of grief that helped me make sense of where we are:

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Interesting that it says "It actually is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad eight months later." Well, that is where we are here eight months later... ...

Moving forward and looking forward to the "upward turn"

A grip of reality!

talking with mom today. They lost my sister stephanie michelle when she was 3 days old. she is 4 years older. We were rolling over our lives, sort of a from then till now history..we suddenly found ourselves speechless. My family has served and lead in churches, love God with every fiber of our being, and yet I am at a place in life and my soul where i can't get passed the grief. Lately reading Gods word, worshipping, or daily thoughts..i relate God with loss, grief, sadness. So i dont want to have anything to do with that realm. I know his sovereignty, i have embraced his mercy in my life, and walked in his grace, yet this pain is so real, tangible that even the very RAW word of God sends me into the abyss! I know, unbelievable but i am being so honest. Blake and i know that God knew this would happen before the foundations of the earth, but grieving is a part of healing. So i am soaking and asking Him for a solstace!!!! This is nothing we could ever conjure up, i just can not explain...all i can do is speak of what is truly happening. I have read today everyones comments and wept, because of the love and advice you all have given. This is a way for blake and myself to find relief even if it is just for the moment..We LIVE in the moment these days. love you all and hope today has been great for you.

The War within

Today is wednesday, commonly known as humpday. waking up this morning yet again another elephant in the room day. I wake up every morning with high hopes that with prayer and a good attitude things will be ok...promising. Normal routine of getting up, dad is off to work, pierce and me have breakfast and make plans for the day. My bestfriend Amy called up and invited us to go see a movie with our kiddos at the Rave theater. Awesome time!!!! We came home to take our naps, but when i woke up my heart and mind were at war and very depressed. You know, those of you that have walked with us thru all of this, grief has many faces and creeps up on you without having any respector of persons. We went to church tonight and saw all our friends, i even sang. Praying intentally that God would touch my heart, there was so many friends, joy, and hope but i just couldnt take it all. i looked at blake and said i am ready to leave. The sadness in my heart overtook my emotions i hate to say. Angry at myself for wanting him back so deeply even though i know he is completly whole and perfect now where he is awaiting us, but my soul calls out for him. So anyways as i wrap up this post for today, love you all and thank you for writing in to encourage blake and i...This is far from over, the dust has not even begun to settle but i am greatful at the end of each day knowing that i had the priveledge of being lucas' mom and blake his dad. Lucas had the heart of a warrior! That same heart is in me, i just need to find it again.

A great father's day

A great day being father's day. Of coarse we all know blake is pretty incredible. We went to lake ouachita with 30 of our friends, so fun! Doug and Shelly have a houseboat they take out. the last time we were on it, was last year with lucas..the second i stepped on the boat yesterday i could just smell and feel him everywhere. it knocked the breath out of me, then i cried behind my smile and glasses, shook it off and continued on. Little did i know that my close friends remembered it as well and were grieving without saying anything untill later. This never gets easier. We are going to start reading the book "the shack" this week. i tried to a few months ago and couldnt do it, just wasnt in the mindset i needed to be..it is difficult reading..but blake and i know too well what the "great sadness" means. Today we are going to the movies with pierce to see night at the museum. Then on to my parents house for fathers day dinner with family. As i sign off i just want to take a sec to honor all the dad's we know and follow through the last 2 year journey. Our family loves and thanks you all!! To all the blessed moms, lets all stay strong girls!! Give all you kiddos hugs and kisses. talk soon

Our Rock Star... ...

Found these pictures from a few weeks ago, honestly can't believe how big Pierce is getting these days. Not that we are partial but he has to be the cutest kid ever and steals our hearts more everyday (at the same time we wonder what would Lucas be doing now... ...)

In other news, we ran into Jeff Matthews and his family at Sam's today (he is the morning show DJ that interviewed Blake) Got to catch up again real quick and he told us about an e-mail he got from a listener; a dad that had lost a son three years ago and told him how much it meant to him to hear Blake on the radio and to share the things that he did.

Pierce with cousin Gracelyn on the drums

the weeks go by... ... Blake on B98.5 ... ... oops

summer is officially in full swing now and starting to fly by us now. we have been at the lake the last three weekends in a row with family and friends. Pierce actually tried to water ski for the first time last weekend and we can't wait to post pictures of that (they are on another camera till then)... ...

Blake was interviewed Monday morning by our friends at B98.5 (the radio station that we've done the ACH radiothon with the last two years) We know them through our precious Lucas, who they also hold dear in their hearts. Anyway, they had a "fabulous father's" week and interviewed different fathers each morning on the show. Blake was probably the only one not a of "local celeb" status, others included Jim Bob Duggar (has a reality show/family with 18 kids), Wess Moore (local sports reporter), American Idol Kris Allen's dad Neil Allen, Jeff Kinely (pastor and author).

Ok I just figured out that you can listen to Blake's interview if you click here!!!

Also, in case you noticed I am currently restoring all my previous posts due to accidentally deleting them when I updated the blog recently. Since they are also linked to my facebook page as posts there as I add them back they look more recent there. Fortunately Blake was able to grab all the cached versions of the posts before we lost them for good. Hopefully over the next few weeks we'll have them all back on in the original order.... ...

today is quiet around the house. pierce is home with me. he has a summer pre-school tuesday and thursday from 9-2!! He loves it so much, growing up wayyy to quick for us. We want him to stay this way forever, for many reasons as you all can imagine. The family is going to Lake Hamilton tomorrow until sunday, we are ready for some r&r! I have been relentlessly studying to retake the ACT again since highschool, i am planning to go to school next fall of 2010 to be a scrub technician. Being involved asisting in the OR and emergancy is in my blood i think. having a medical background previously before pierce will only help my chances i hope! Blake and i are working out in the evenings to P90X! look it up online if you don't know. It has been incredible and incredibly hard. Amazing results after just few weeks. i encourage anyone to do it if they want to tone up and loose some. hope all is well with everyone..to my dear friend catherine, reuben..know that i love you both more than you will ever know. have a great day everyone. talk soon

hello to family and friends everywhere keeping up with us and our journey! We have been off line for awhile as you well know but you all were never far from our minds and hearts. We have prayed and waited to see how things would begin unfolding for blake and me...pierce as to whether we keep writing or close things down alltogether. We know now that with a few changes, 9 months passing that we are making strides, stumbling around here and there, conversations so difficult, marriage strain, and raising pierce with a new view and purpose. But that is just it. new purpose, beginning to see daylight so to speak. Still feeling guilty when we are remotely enjoying life, forgetting, trying NOT TO remember or not wanting to go there...memories so great that they take our breath away and not so great that we wanna fade away in the wind, just to be caught up to the heavens. I stopped by at the cemetary a few weeks ago just me, as i bent down to clean things off i realized i was holding my breath so tight that i got dizzy and sat down in front of this stone emblom with my sons name on it, and a rush of silence came over my heart..silence was all around, even in the wind, the ground. I was ok, just ....quiet. So as God allows and as our hearts stand erect, we will press forward and begin sharing NEW THINGS..of love, life, and family as we now are and know it to be. I hope to have you all join us again so we can heal and love again, and always let you know how much we appreciate the prayers, and support you've given. we hope to hear from you soon. signing off...mk

parent's grief

The link here is the best explanation of a parent's grief that has lost a young child that I have seen and really explains all that we continue to go through since the lose of Lucas.One of the most relevant quotes to me is "When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future."The article is long but worth reading to help anyone better understand parents who have lost a child.

today is six months since the devastating day in childrens hospital. around 4:00pm is when we lost our lucas today. Very present and near our hearts is such emptiness for him. Wanted to share with all that we could NOT have made it without you. even now we are stronger having known and build such wonderful relationships with all of our charge friends around the world. Thank you for all you are and that for us you really do care!! As i sit and ponder today of all lucas life from birth till now, everything is a bit hazy..the only thing standing out is THAT DAY, the heartcathe and the downward spiral from there....we are quiet in our hearts as we remember what a joy and honor it was to raise and love this precious lump of clay!! Love everyone and hope all is well with whom checks in on us thru our blog!! Pray for grace and peace continually. TX

BNC BRYANT Worship Team doing Coldplay's song "LOST"

This was an awesome opener to last weeks worship set. My twin brother Tony starts off the song and Sean Michel (american idol season 6 finalist) rocks it out with a re-write of the rap portion of the song. Check it out, but please scroll to the bottom and pause the playlist before you watch.

"Carried to the Table"

Carried to the Table from Leeland on Vimeo.

Please pause the playlist at the bottom to watch the video... ...This is a moving song, I can't help but feel that Lucas was "carried to the table" and I know that he is with our Lord. We were shattered by our fall of losing him but God continues to love and heal our family as we move on through this life... ... Honestly I am jealous of Lucas when I think about the peace and shear joy that he has now seeing the face of Jesus and playing with the angels.As for Blake, Pierce, and I we are doing well. Pierce started a new preschool last month and is adjusting well there. He seems to really enjoy school and is going up so fast. Here are some recent pictures.

Pierce in a tree at Blake's grandmothers house that Blake climbed when he was a boy

Pierce & his Pops (my dad) greeting on a Sunday morning

Tricycle race at Pierce's preschool

he is so funny... ...

BNC Bryant One Year Anniversary

Happy One Year BNC Bryant Campus!! Thanks for standing with us through it all... ... This is what church should be!

ACH Radiothon

Lucas's story continues to touch many lives. Blake and I have been asked to do a live interview again this year for the annual ACH radiothon.We plan to be as prepared as possible but your prayer will help too... ...

We are scheduled to be on at 9:30 am this Thursday, Feb. 12th.

Also, Angie, Blake's step sister, who is a school nurse and coming up to donate all the money her school has raised the last few months for ACH in honor of Lucas; she just e-mailed and they raised almost $6,000.00 from the kids bringing in change to school. Way to go guys!!

UPDATE: By the time Blake's family from Hamburg arrived to the ACH radiothon they had raised over $8,000.00

Click the link for more information: http://www.archildrens.org/foundation/news/radiothon.asp

Pray for Moriah and Family

Please....please take a moment to pray for this sweet family and the healing of this precious heart baby....Moriah has taken a turn for the worse following a long recovery from a recent heart repair.
We really feel for them and all they are and have been going through. Please Lord in Jesus Name, heal this precious child and bring strength and peace to her family!!
Thank you....

Just for Today

Just for Today by Vicky Tushingham

Just For Today Just for today, I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it just one day at a time.

Just for today, I will remember my child's life, not his death , and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.

Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

Just for today, I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today, I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.

Just for today, I will free myself from my self inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child because I know that would have made my own child proud.

Just for today, I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent, for I do know how they feel.

Just for today, when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving, and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.

Just for today, I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for today, I will accept that I did not die when my child died. My life did go on and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

`By Vicky Tushingham from Alive Alone

Lucas's Memorial Marker

It finally came in and was set after we got back from our ski trip... ...