Tuesday, June 30, 2009

making sense of grief

After doing some searching and opening up to the reality of our loss we realize that we are in a good place and that the next "stage" of moving through our greif is upon us.

Also, after talking with Pierce... ... who the other day while we were talking about Lucas asked, "Momma, are you sad?" the conversation went like this:

Pierce: Momma, are you sad?
Me: Yes, I miss Lucas.... ... you remember Lucas, your brother... ...
Pierce: Yes mom, where is he?
Me: You know ... ...
Pierce: He's with Jesus!
Me: That's right
Pierce: Momma, I can make you happy!
Me: Yes you sure can!!

Then tonight while sitting with Blake:
Pierce: Dad, momma's sad
Blake: Yes, but that's ok
Pierce: We'll make her happy.
Blake: Yes we will, your right

Anyway after finding a link on stages of grief and sharing it with a few via e-mail, my sister-in-law, Karri, sent me this that is a wonderful explaination as well:

“At one time or another the emptiness comes. Know this space. It may be with you for a time and it may be one of the most important spaces in your life. It is in this quiet after the outward grieving that the seeds of your new life begin to grow. Some call this emptiness the ‘dark side of the soul’. You’ve let go of something precious and familiar and the new meaning is not yet known. It takes a lot of courage to live in this emptiness. Just be with it. Pay attention to what is trying to grow-new qualities or ways of being, new ideas about work—whatever. There is an old Zen saying, ‘You can’t fill a teacup that is already full.’ If we allow the emptiness we can move to a new fullness. You have a choice with this time. You can use this quiet space instead of it using you. Catch up on sleep. Take long walks. Work with the earth. When our hearts break, they break open making more room for everybody and everything—more love, more joy, more compassion. We can stay open to loneliness and pain knowing it is moving us to a new fullness OR we can shut down. A heart that is broken open doesn’t close unless we close it. One can’t have others think or feel this out for us. One must do the work for oneself. There are no short cuts. You cannot go around—you can only go through it.”

May grief fill your soul and mend your broken heart again.

Here is the link to the seven stages of grief that helped me make sense of where we are:


Interesting that it says "It actually is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad eight months later." Well, that is where we are here eight months later... ...

Moving forward and looking forward to the "upward turn"


Anna Bowman said...

good post. we will all look forward to the 'upward' turn as well. praying for you all!

Pegsy said...

Thank you for sharing this link about grief. I just had a chance to read it today and found it very insightful. You have been in my thoughts and prayers often over the last 8 months, but it's so hard to know what to say or not say. We all want to help or say "the right thing." It's hard to see a friend in so much pain and grief - it's frightening, really... You want to take it all away...but you can't and shouldn't. I've appreciated how you've been so open and honest about where you're at. You are always in my prayers.

Eva Nichole said...

Pierce is an amazing little boy!! I am glad I am able to be here when I can and read all you are all doing. Thank you for sharing your lives with us.
Crystal and Eva

Lucas was born to us 5/10/07 and was soon diagnosed with CHARGE. CHARGE syndrome is a recognizable (genetic) pattern of birth defects which occurs in about one in every 9-10,000 births worldwide. It is an extremely complex syndrome, involving extensive medical and physical difficulties that differ from child to child. Babies with CHARGE syndrome are often born with life-threatening birth defects, including complex heart defects and breathing problems. They spend many months in the hospital and undergo many surgeries and other treatments. Swallowing and breathing problems make life difficult even when they come home. The letters in CHARGE stand for: Coloboma of the eye, Heart defects, Atresia of the choanae, Retardation of growth and/or development, Genital and/or urinary abnormalities, and Ear abnormalities and deafness. Lucas's anomalies included with his case of CHARGE include minor heart defects of ASD and PDA, bilateral choanal atresia repaired at four days old, undescended testes repaired at seven months old, and ear abnormalities; also he has reflux and aspirated while feeding shortly after being born and thus had a G-tube and Nissen Fundoplication at five weeks old. Additionally he has PE tubes, very low muscle tone and facial palsy on his right side. Lucas was diagnosed with Primary Pulmonary Hypertension at 12 months old. He showed us how to shine through the rain as he lost his bravely fought battle and entered into Heaven on 10/02/08. He was our miracle on earth the 507 days we spent with him. For more information, visit chargesyndrome.org