Tuesday, June 30, 2009

making sense of grief

After doing some searching and opening up to the reality of our loss we realize that we are in a good place and that the next "stage" of moving through our greif is upon us.

Also, after talking with Pierce... ... who the other day while we were talking about Lucas asked, "Momma, are you sad?" the conversation went like this:

Pierce: Momma, are you sad?
Me: Yes, I miss Lucas.... ... you remember Lucas, your brother... ...
Pierce: Yes mom, where is he?
Me: You know ... ...
Pierce: He's with Jesus!
Me: That's right
Pierce: Momma, I can make you happy!
Me: Yes you sure can!!

Then tonight while sitting with Blake:
Pierce: Dad, momma's sad
Blake: Yes, but that's ok
Pierce: We'll make her happy.
Blake: Yes we will, your right

Anyway after finding a link on stages of grief and sharing it with a few via e-mail, my sister-in-law, Karri, sent me this that is a wonderful explaination as well:

“At one time or another the emptiness comes. Know this space. It may be with you for a time and it may be one of the most important spaces in your life. It is in this quiet after the outward grieving that the seeds of your new life begin to grow. Some call this emptiness the ‘dark side of the soul’. You’ve let go of something precious and familiar and the new meaning is not yet known. It takes a lot of courage to live in this emptiness. Just be with it. Pay attention to what is trying to grow-new qualities or ways of being, new ideas about work—whatever. There is an old Zen saying, ‘You can’t fill a teacup that is already full.’ If we allow the emptiness we can move to a new fullness. You have a choice with this time. You can use this quiet space instead of it using you. Catch up on sleep. Take long walks. Work with the earth. When our hearts break, they break open making more room for everybody and everything—more love, more joy, more compassion. We can stay open to loneliness and pain knowing it is moving us to a new fullness OR we can shut down. A heart that is broken open doesn’t close unless we close it. One can’t have others think or feel this out for us. One must do the work for oneself. There are no short cuts. You cannot go around—you can only go through it.”

May grief fill your soul and mend your broken heart again.

Here is the link to the seven stages of grief that helped me make sense of where we are:


Interesting that it says "It actually is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad eight months later." Well, that is where we are here eight months later... ...

Moving forward and looking forward to the "upward turn"

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A grip of reality!

talking with mom today. They lost my sister stephanie michelle when she was 3 days old. she is 4 years older. We were rolling over our lives, sort of a from then till now history..we suddenly found ourselves speechless. My family has served and lead in churches, love God with every fiber of our being, and yet I am at a place in life and my soul where i can't get passed the grief. Lately reading Gods word, worshipping, or daily thoughts..i relate God with loss, grief, sadness. So i dont want to have anything to do with that realm. I know his sovereignty, i have embraced his mercy in my life, and walked in his grace, yet this pain is so real, tangible that even the very RAW word of God sends me into the abyss! I know, unbelievable but i am being so honest. Blake and i know that God knew this would happen before the foundations of the earth, but grieving is a part of healing. So i am soaking and asking Him for a solstace!!!! This is nothing we could ever conjure up, i just can not explain...all i can do is speak of what is truly happening. I have read today everyones comments and wept, because of the love and advice you all have given. This is a way for blake and myself to find relief even if it is just for the moment..We LIVE in the moment these days. love you all and hope today has been great for you.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The War within

Today is wednesday, commonly known as humpday. waking up this morning yet again another elephant in the room day. I wake up every morning with high hopes that with prayer and a good attitude things will be ok...promising. Normal routine of getting up, dad is off to work, pierce and me have breakfast and make plans for the day. My bestfriend Amy called up and invited us to go see a movie with our kiddos at the Rave theater. Awesome time!!!! We came home to take our naps, but when i woke up my heart and mind were at war and very depressed. You know, those of you that have walked with us thru all of this, grief has many faces and creeps up on you without having any respector of persons. We went to church tonight and saw all our friends, i even sang. Praying intentally that God would touch my heart, there was so many friends, joy, and hope but i just couldnt take it all. i looked at blake and said i am ready to leave. The sadness in my heart overtook my emotions i hate to say. Angry at myself for wanting him back so deeply even though i know he is completly whole and perfect now where he is awaiting us, but my soul calls out for him. So anyways as i wrap up this post for today, love you all and thank you for writing in to encourage blake and i...This is far from over, the dust has not even begun to settle but i am greatful at the end of each day knowing that i had the priveledge of being lucas' mom and blake his dad. Lucas had the heart of a warrior! That same heart is in me, i just need to find it again.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

A great father's day

A great day being father's day. Of coarse we all know blake is pretty incredible. We went to lake ouachita with 30 of our friends, so fun! Doug and Shelly have a houseboat they take out. the last time we were on it, was last year with lucas..the second i stepped on the boat yesterday i could just smell and feel him everywhere. it knocked the breath out of me, then i cried behind my smile and glasses, shook it off and continued on. Little did i know that my close friends remembered it as well and were grieving without saying anything untill later. This never gets easier. We are going to start reading the book "the shack" this week. i tried to a few months ago and couldnt do it, just wasnt in the mindset i needed to be..it is difficult reading..but blake and i know too well what the "great sadness" means. Today we are going to the movies with pierce to see night at the museum. Then on to my parents house for fathers day dinner with family. As i sign off i just want to take a sec to honor all the dad's we know and follow through the last 2 year journey. Our family loves and thanks you all!! To all the blessed moms, lets all stay strong girls!! Give all you kiddos hugs and kisses. talk soon

Friday, June 19, 2009

Our Rock Star... ...

Found these pictures from a few weeks ago, honestly can't believe how big Pierce is getting these days. Not that we are partial but he has to be the cutest kid ever and steals our hearts more everyday (at the same time we wonder what would Lucas be doing now... ...)

In other news, we ran into Jeff Matthews and his family at Sam's today (he is the morning show DJ that interviewed Blake) Got to catch up again real quick and he told us about an e-mail he got from a listener; a dad that had lost a son three years ago and told him how much it meant to him to hear Blake on the radio and to share the things that he did.

Pierce with cousin Gracelyn on the drums

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

the weeks go by... ... Blake on B98.5 ... ... oops

summer is officially in full swing now and starting to fly by us now. we have been at the lake the last three weekends in a row with family and friends. Pierce actually tried to water ski for the first time last weekend and we can't wait to post pictures of that (they are on another camera till then)... ...

Blake was interviewed Monday morning by our friends at B98.5 (the radio station that we've done the ACH radiothon with the last two years) We know them through our precious Lucas, who they also hold dear in their hearts. Anyway, they had a "fabulous father's" week and interviewed different fathers each morning on the show. Blake was probably the only one not a of "local celeb" status, others included Jim Bob Duggar (has a reality show/family with 18 kids), Wess Moore (local sports reporter), American Idol Kris Allen's dad Neil Allen, Jeff Kinely (pastor and author).

Ok I just figured out that you can listen to Blake's interview if you click here!!!

Also, in case you noticed I am currently restoring all my previous posts due to accidentally deleting them when I updated the blog recently. Since they are also linked to my facebook page as posts there as I add them back they look more recent there. Fortunately Blake was able to grab all the cached versions of the posts before we lost them for good. Hopefully over the next few weeks we'll have them all back on in the original order.... ...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

today is quiet around the house. pierce is home with me. he has a summer pre-school tuesday and thursday from 9-2!! He loves it so much, growing up wayyy to quick for us. We want him to stay this way forever, for many reasons as you all can imagine. The family is going to Lake Hamilton tomorrow until sunday, we are ready for some r&r! I have been relentlessly studying to retake the ACT again since highschool, i am planning to go to school next fall of 2010 to be a scrub technician. Being involved asisting in the OR and emergancy is in my blood i think. having a medical background previously before pierce will only help my chances i hope! Blake and i are working out in the evenings to P90X! look it up online if you don't know. It has been incredible and incredibly hard. Amazing results after just few weeks. i encourage anyone to do it if they want to tone up and loose some. hope all is well with everyone..to my dear friend catherine, reuben..know that i love you both more than you will ever know. have a great day everyone. talk soon

Monday, June 8, 2009

hello to family and friends everywhere keeping up with us and our journey! We have been off line for awhile as you well know but you all were never far from our minds and hearts. We have prayed and waited to see how things would begin unfolding for blake and me...pierce as to whether we keep writing or close things down alltogether. We know now that with a few changes, 9 months passing that we are making strides, stumbling around here and there, conversations so difficult, marriage strain, and raising pierce with a new view and purpose. But that is just it. new purpose, beginning to see daylight so to speak. Still feeling guilty when we are remotely enjoying life, forgetting, trying NOT TO remember or not wanting to go there...memories so great that they take our breath away and not so great that we wanna fade away in the wind, just to be caught up to the heavens. I stopped by at the cemetary a few weeks ago just me, as i bent down to clean things off i realized i was holding my breath so tight that i got dizzy and sat down in front of this stone emblom with my sons name on it, and a rush of silence came over my heart..silence was all around, even in the wind, the ground. I was ok, just ....quiet. So as God allows and as our hearts stand erect, we will press forward and begin sharing NEW THINGS..of love, life, and family as we now are and know it to be. I hope to have you all join us again so we can heal and love again, and always let you know how much we appreciate the prayers, and support you've given. we hope to hear from you soon. signing off...mk

Lucas was born to us 5/10/07 and was soon diagnosed with CHARGE. CHARGE syndrome is a recognizable (genetic) pattern of birth defects which occurs in about one in every 9-10,000 births worldwide. It is an extremely complex syndrome, involving extensive medical and physical difficulties that differ from child to child. Babies with CHARGE syndrome are often born with life-threatening birth defects, including complex heart defects and breathing problems. They spend many months in the hospital and undergo many surgeries and other treatments. Swallowing and breathing problems make life difficult even when they come home. The letters in CHARGE stand for: Coloboma of the eye, Heart defects, Atresia of the choanae, Retardation of growth and/or development, Genital and/or urinary abnormalities, and Ear abnormalities and deafness. Lucas's anomalies included with his case of CHARGE include minor heart defects of ASD and PDA, bilateral choanal atresia repaired at four days old, undescended testes repaired at seven months old, and ear abnormalities; also he has reflux and aspirated while feeding shortly after being born and thus had a G-tube and Nissen Fundoplication at five weeks old. Additionally he has PE tubes, very low muscle tone and facial palsy on his right side. Lucas was diagnosed with Primary Pulmonary Hypertension at 12 months old. He showed us how to shine through the rain as he lost his bravely fought battle and entered into Heaven on 10/02/08. He was our miracle on earth the 507 days we spent with him. For more information, visit chargesyndrome.org