Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The War within

Today is wednesday, commonly known as humpday. waking up this morning yet again another elephant in the room day. I wake up every morning with high hopes that with prayer and a good attitude things will be ok...promising. Normal routine of getting up, dad is off to work, pierce and me have breakfast and make plans for the day. My bestfriend Amy called up and invited us to go see a movie with our kiddos at the Rave theater. Awesome time!!!! We came home to take our naps, but when i woke up my heart and mind were at war and very depressed. You know, those of you that have walked with us thru all of this, grief has many faces and creeps up on you without having any respector of persons. We went to church tonight and saw all our friends, i even sang. Praying intentally that God would touch my heart, there was so many friends, joy, and hope but i just couldnt take it all. i looked at blake and said i am ready to leave. The sadness in my heart overtook my emotions i hate to say. Angry at myself for wanting him back so deeply even though i know he is completly whole and perfect now where he is awaiting us, but my soul calls out for him. So anyways as i wrap up this post for today, love you all and thank you for writing in to encourage blake and i...This is far from over, the dust has not even begun to settle but i am greatful at the end of each day knowing that i had the priveledge of being lucas' mom and blake his dad. Lucas had the heart of a warrior! That same heart is in me, i just need to find it again.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your pain and can't even imagine it ... a loss of a child ... Lucas was very lucky and you were very lucky to have had each other in your lives ... even if only for a short time. One day you will all be together again. May God grant you peace in those hard days. I'm still wishing you all a bright future and I hope with more babies in it to fill your heart.

Love, Tracy K.

Pegsy said...

Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your heart. We've lost two babies through miscarriage, and although I can never know exactly what you're going through, I understand how the grief can creep up, unawares, when you least expect it or want it to be there. You may not feel like a warrior, but you really are one! We all see your incredible strength and courage as you press on each day. I am praying for you and loving you across the miles, my sweet friend.

Hugs, Peggy

P.S. Did you see the award I left for you on my blog?

Justin and Victoria Nelson said...

hi mk,
thank you so much for sharing. your posts have been so heartfelt and vulnerable, helping us to see how things really are for you...showing us how to pray for you guys specifically.
we are here for you.
the nelsons

Anna Bowman said...

Thank you for sharing. This gives those of us that care about you guys the chance to hear from you and pray for your current needs. Checking in with you often. Never far from our minds.

Lucas was born to us 5/10/07 and was soon diagnosed with CHARGE. CHARGE syndrome is a recognizable (genetic) pattern of birth defects which occurs in about one in every 9-10,000 births worldwide. It is an extremely complex syndrome, involving extensive medical and physical difficulties that differ from child to child. Babies with CHARGE syndrome are often born with life-threatening birth defects, including complex heart defects and breathing problems. They spend many months in the hospital and undergo many surgeries and other treatments. Swallowing and breathing problems make life difficult even when they come home. The letters in CHARGE stand for: Coloboma of the eye, Heart defects, Atresia of the choanae, Retardation of growth and/or development, Genital and/or urinary abnormalities, and Ear abnormalities and deafness. Lucas's anomalies included with his case of CHARGE include minor heart defects of ASD and PDA, bilateral choanal atresia repaired at four days old, undescended testes repaired at seven months old, and ear abnormalities; also he has reflux and aspirated while feeding shortly after being born and thus had a G-tube and Nissen Fundoplication at five weeks old. Additionally he has PE tubes, very low muscle tone and facial palsy on his right side. Lucas was diagnosed with Primary Pulmonary Hypertension at 12 months old. He showed us how to shine through the rain as he lost his bravely fought battle and entered into Heaven on 10/02/08. He was our miracle on earth the 507 days we spent with him. For more information, visit