The War within

Today is wednesday, commonly known as humpday. waking up this morning yet again another elephant in the room day. I wake up every morning with high hopes that with prayer and a good attitude things will be ok...promising. Normal routine of getting up, dad is off to work, pierce and me have breakfast and make plans for the day. My bestfriend Amy called up and invited us to go see a movie with our kiddos at the Rave theater. Awesome time!!!! We came home to take our naps, but when i woke up my heart and mind were at war and very depressed. You know, those of you that have walked with us thru all of this, grief has many faces and creeps up on you without having any respector of persons. We went to church tonight and saw all our friends, i even sang. Praying intentally that God would touch my heart, there was so many friends, joy, and hope but i just couldnt take it all. i looked at blake and said i am ready to leave. The sadness in my heart overtook my emotions i hate to say. Angry at myself for wanting him back so deeply even though i know he is completly whole and perfect now where he is awaiting us, but my soul calls out for him. So anyways as i wrap up this post for today, love you all and thank you for writing in to encourage blake and i...This is far from over, the dust has not even begun to settle but i am greatful at the end of each day knowing that i had the priveledge of being lucas' mom and blake his dad. Lucas had the heart of a warrior! That same heart is in me, i just need to find it again.

A great father's day

A great day being father's day. Of coarse we all know blake is pretty incredible. We went to lake ouachita with 30 of our friends, so fun! Doug and Shelly have a houseboat they take out. the last time we were on it, was last year with lucas..the second i stepped on the boat yesterday i could just smell and feel him everywhere. it knocked the breath out of me, then i cried behind my smile and glasses, shook it off and continued on. Little did i know that my close friends remembered it as well and were grieving without saying anything untill later. This never gets easier. We are going to start reading the book "the shack" this week. i tried to a few months ago and couldnt do it, just wasnt in the mindset i needed to be..it is difficult reading..but blake and i know too well what the "great sadness" means. Today we are going to the movies with pierce to see night at the museum. Then on to my parents house for fathers day dinner with family. As i sign off i just want to take a sec to honor all the dad's we know and follow through the last 2 year journey. Our family loves and thanks you all!! To all the blessed moms, lets all stay strong girls!! Give all you kiddos hugs and kisses. talk soon

Our Rock Star... ...

Found these pictures from a few weeks ago, honestly can't believe how big Pierce is getting these days. Not that we are partial but he has to be the cutest kid ever and steals our hearts more everyday (at the same time we wonder what would Lucas be doing now... ...)

In other news, we ran into Jeff Matthews and his family at Sam's today (he is the morning show DJ that interviewed Blake) Got to catch up again real quick and he told us about an e-mail he got from a listener; a dad that had lost a son three years ago and told him how much it meant to him to hear Blake on the radio and to share the things that he did.

Pierce with cousin Gracelyn on the drums

the weeks go by... ... Blake on B98.5 ... ... oops

summer is officially in full swing now and starting to fly by us now. we have been at the lake the last three weekends in a row with family and friends. Pierce actually tried to water ski for the first time last weekend and we can't wait to post pictures of that (they are on another camera till then)... ...

Blake was interviewed Monday morning by our friends at B98.5 (the radio station that we've done the ACH radiothon with the last two years) We know them through our precious Lucas, who they also hold dear in their hearts. Anyway, they had a "fabulous father's" week and interviewed different fathers each morning on the show. Blake was probably the only one not a of "local celeb" status, others included Jim Bob Duggar (has a reality show/family with 18 kids), Wess Moore (local sports reporter), American Idol Kris Allen's dad Neil Allen, Jeff Kinely (pastor and author).

Ok I just figured out that you can listen to Blake's interview if you click here!!!

Also, in case you noticed I am currently restoring all my previous posts due to accidentally deleting them when I updated the blog recently. Since they are also linked to my facebook page as posts there as I add them back they look more recent there. Fortunately Blake was able to grab all the cached versions of the posts before we lost them for good. Hopefully over the next few weeks we'll have them all back on in the original order.... ...

today is quiet around the house. pierce is home with me. he has a summer pre-school tuesday and thursday from 9-2!! He loves it so much, growing up wayyy to quick for us. We want him to stay this way forever, for many reasons as you all can imagine. The family is going to Lake Hamilton tomorrow until sunday, we are ready for some r&r! I have been relentlessly studying to retake the ACT again since highschool, i am planning to go to school next fall of 2010 to be a scrub technician. Being involved asisting in the OR and emergancy is in my blood i think. having a medical background previously before pierce will only help my chances i hope! Blake and i are working out in the evenings to P90X! look it up online if you don't know. It has been incredible and incredibly hard. Amazing results after just few weeks. i encourage anyone to do it if they want to tone up and loose some. hope all is well with everyone..to my dear friend catherine, reuben..know that i love you both more than you will ever know. have a great day everyone. talk soon

hello to family and friends everywhere keeping up with us and our journey! We have been off line for awhile as you well know but you all were never far from our minds and hearts. We have prayed and waited to see how things would begin unfolding for blake and me...pierce as to whether we keep writing or close things down alltogether. We know now that with a few changes, 9 months passing that we are making strides, stumbling around here and there, conversations so difficult, marriage strain, and raising pierce with a new view and purpose. But that is just it. new purpose, beginning to see daylight so to speak. Still feeling guilty when we are remotely enjoying life, forgetting, trying NOT TO remember or not wanting to go there...memories so great that they take our breath away and not so great that we wanna fade away in the wind, just to be caught up to the heavens. I stopped by at the cemetary a few weeks ago just me, as i bent down to clean things off i realized i was holding my breath so tight that i got dizzy and sat down in front of this stone emblom with my sons name on it, and a rush of silence came over my heart..silence was all around, even in the wind, the ground. I was ok, just ....quiet. So as God allows and as our hearts stand erect, we will press forward and begin sharing NEW THINGS..of love, life, and family as we now are and know it to be. I hope to have you all join us again so we can heal and love again, and always let you know how much we appreciate the prayers, and support you've given. we hope to hear from you soon. signing off...mk

parent's grief

The link here is the best explanation of a parent's grief that has lost a young child that I have seen and really explains all that we continue to go through since the lose of Lucas.One of the most relevant quotes to me is "When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future."The article is long but worth reading to help anyone better understand parents who have lost a child.

today is six months since the devastating day in childrens hospital. around 4:00pm is when we lost our lucas today. Very present and near our hearts is such emptiness for him. Wanted to share with all that we could NOT have made it without you. even now we are stronger having known and build such wonderful relationships with all of our charge friends around the world. Thank you for all you are and that for us you really do care!! As i sit and ponder today of all lucas life from birth till now, everything is a bit hazy..the only thing standing out is THAT DAY, the heartcathe and the downward spiral from there....we are quiet in our hearts as we remember what a joy and honor it was to raise and love this precious lump of clay!! Love everyone and hope all is well with whom checks in on us thru our blog!! Pray for grace and peace continually. TX

BNC BRYANT Worship Team doing Coldplay's song "LOST"

This was an awesome opener to last weeks worship set. My twin brother Tony starts off the song and Sean Michel (american idol season 6 finalist) rocks it out with a re-write of the rap portion of the song. Check it out, but please scroll to the bottom and pause the playlist before you watch.

"Carried to the Table"

Carried to the Table from Leeland on Vimeo.

Please pause the playlist at the bottom to watch the video... ...This is a moving song, I can't help but feel that Lucas was "carried to the table" and I know that he is with our Lord. We were shattered by our fall of losing him but God continues to love and heal our family as we move on through this life... ... Honestly I am jealous of Lucas when I think about the peace and shear joy that he has now seeing the face of Jesus and playing with the angels.As for Blake, Pierce, and I we are doing well. Pierce started a new preschool last month and is adjusting well there. He seems to really enjoy school and is going up so fast. Here are some recent pictures.

Pierce in a tree at Blake's grandmothers house that Blake climbed when he was a boy

Pierce & his Pops (my dad) greeting on a Sunday morning

Tricycle race at Pierce's preschool

he is so funny... ...