~2011 Happy Holidays!!.

Happy Holidays!!!!!!

2011-12-14T21:04:00.004-06:00

Christmas is in the air!!!!
This time of year it is so much easier to have the warm fuzzes all over...the chilly weather, breaking out the warm coats, hats and gloves; snuggle up by a fire and just listen to the crackle and pop sounds with family and friends we love so much..True it is one of the busiest times of the year for us all, but finding the time to maybe reach out to family we haven't been close to in years, even neighbors or coworkers~we all crave a little kindness this time of year.
For the Weindorf household, we are so excited for our newest son Bryce to have his first Christmas!!! He is 9 months old now and is so smart and strong. Pierce is an amazing big brother and ready to teach Bryce the ropes...
I really don't know where to begin with this year and changes God has brought us. I am so thankful that God only allows us to see parts of the tapestry of life b/c there is no way we could take it all in at once...I am home with Bryce and working part-time here as well, pierce now in kindergarten and doing so well, Blake engineering still and we feel the turning of the tide in our family has been taking place all year long!
We hope with all our heart that all of you have a magical and peaceful Christmas this year!!! Know that as i am writing to update everyone, you are in our thoughts and prayers and send you love and kindness your way!
As i am ending this post for the evening i would like to speak to our CHARGE families around the world that are still keeping in touch. Just this Monday Blake and I started to feel the loss in our heart for Lucas, it is so strange that it sneaks up on you when you least expect it..something as simple as a silly hallmark movie, a song on the radio driving to work, a simple look that Bryce will give you and it reopens those pieces of our heart that we keep hidden and protected..i took a long calming cry as well as calling Blake and realizing that he did to on the same day at different time, but God knew we needed that release it seems..it never gets easier to me, and i am not even sure that time heals all wounds....i believe the wound becomes a part of you..and changes you forever; it is a reservoir within to keep you going on those dry days, i can reach down and find strength to move myself from that lonely place and get to a peace again...
Lucas, my song and heartbeat live on because of you..you were and are the living testimony of unconditional love and determination to conquer everything impossible in this life! I love that i can close my eyes when there is a need for a reality check, i find you in that place and instead of not breathing like before, you actually give me breath and purpose for living and moving on!!! You are remembered and held this Christmas my darling.....see you soon
Love,
Mommy,Daddy,Pierce and Bryce
December~2011

2011-12-14T20:52:00.002-06:00

2011-10-24T19:50:00.002-05:00

Life is Busy,

Hope this update finds everyone well and in good spirits! This year is fast approaching the end and we can not believe it! Since March and birth of our baby Bryce, our lives have been onthe fast forward button...Bryce is the best baby ever! It is like our pediatrician Dr. Weed said during his 6 month check up~He thinks God knew we needed a him, and gave us such a healthy and happy little man. Pierce is brilliant and doing wonderful in kindergarten and parent teacher conference went so well..he is growing up so fast as i am sure everyone else's kiddos are. Bryce is 7 months and is cutting his 3rd tooth, that is pretty fast to me. He is strong minded and has a beautiful spirit. We are exspecting him to crawl anyday now as well.
Blake and i are doing great and really our lives have never been so closely knit and happy...through all things in the last four years of life..i can finally say that little pieces of my soul are starting to come back if that makes since?. Areas in my heart that i thought could never be touched or uncovered again have seen some light and fresh hope in which were many dark and lonely places. There is an incredible bond between pierce and bryce and it is very neat to just watch how they communicate. Pierce is totally consumed with being the big brother. Anytime Bryce is upset he is racing to his rescue as though he knows what he needs. Bryce adores listening to Pierce, he finds him very funny and trusting.
As the Holidays are fast coming i can truly say we are so very excited and blessed to experience family and traditions we both have had with Bryce and just watch God continue to gel us together.. Hope you enjoy this update with pictures that are so cute and a video that is priceless!!

Pictures and Funny Video

2011-10-24T17:53:00.006-05:00

Never thought sweeping the floor could be so funny!!!!

2011-06-27T22:15:00.002-05:00

HE IS SUCH A HANDSOME LIL MAN!!!!

2011-06-27T21:59:00.001-05:00

PIERCE AND BEN HAD A BLAST THE ENTIRE TRIP!!

2011-06-27T21:43:00.004-05:00

8TH TIME SEEING KEITH URBAN, AND WAS INCREDIBLE!!!!!

2011 KEITH URBAN "GET CLOSER"

Recent Pictures Etc

2011-05-31T14:22:00.004-05:00

2011-05-31T08:14:00.002-05:00

2011-05-31T07:50:00.002-05:00

In Honor of Lucas; He would have been 4 today...

2011-05-11T10:11:00.000-05:00

To help celebrate his Birthday; his cousin is hosting a Change Angel Fundraiser in his honor for Arkansas Children's Hospital. If you can make it we will be at the Hurricane Lake Estates Pavilon this Sunday; the 15th, at 2PM. If you can make it or if you can't and still would like to donate please e-mail Katelyn at changeangelkk@gmail.com

5/10/072/11/08 8/7/08

10/1/08
WE SURE MISS YOU!!!

Waiting........

2011-04-11T12:29:00.003-05:00

After Bryce was born, we were all placed on the post par tum unit together. Misty had a separate room about 4 doors down from us. Bryce was doing beautifully with us. He was eating great and sleeping around 4-5 hours at a time in the evenings. Misty was recovering so fast, i have never seen anything like this with a c/section post op..Misty was walking around within 24 hours after delivery and no pain meds. Lord, i remember with both of my c/sections, i was on a morphine pump and in the hospital for 4d. Misty at first had decided she didn't want to hold or see the baby..

After he was here, i got a phone call from her asking if it would be alright to see Bryce and hold him for awhile. Now Misty knew me well enough that i was freaking out to some degree, because of fear of changing her mind. We were still in the 48 hour window of changing things, so yes i was a little anxious, OK alot anxious. So of course we said ok to Misty, i took Bryce to her and left her room and went back to ours with Blake. i started crying immediately with my mind running away with thoughts that were so panicking!!! Blake looked at me and said, "honey, God is in control, let it go". Slowly i did let go and things went very smoothly. Misty even came over i think it was the Saturday night, to our room. Blake bought us all pizza and we watched a movie together. It was very awesome. i wish you could have all seen Misty and i in the hospital bed together with Bryce b/t us. Two mothers loving on this baby boy at the same time. Misty and i were bonding on a level that i cant even put into words..it is a GOD thing. We respected one another so highly, it boggles my mind even today to write to you all about it. Misty said her goodbye and peace to Bryce officially on Saturday Night.

Sunday came and signing of the papers was to be done at 10:00am! So Blake took our notary and witness to Misty's room, while Bryce and i waited patiently in our room.

Next thing i know, here came Misty walking into my room only 15 or so minutes later...and she just wanted to say goodbye to me..

Y'all have to picture this, a 5.11' women total embracing me, a 5.2' woman and we started weeping together as friends, and mothers..This was one of the most precious and unforgettable times in my life. We said we loved one another and promised to stay in touch and never stop praying!!!

Shortly after that, we loaded up the truck and headed to Fort Worth, TX where were going to stay for the remainder of the paperwork process...5 more days

We were staying with some wonderful friends of ours! We received to official phone call to go home on Friday and that we had been cleared and everything went smooth!

We didn't go home until after church Sunday..Blake and i got a opportunity to share our story about Lucas, then Bryce and they let me sing a song about it all! it was wonderful!

Well there it all is everyone! Here we are 3 weeks old now and he is just perfect! Misty is doing great, we still talk from time to time...Pierce is the greatest big brother ever!

Blake and i are happier than we have ever been in our entire marriage. Anyone who knows me even a little bit, knows that i love to take risk and i love change..but i will tell you this about change these days...

I believe that Change can be so constant that we don't even feel it until you realize you ARE. also Change can move so slowly that you don't know if your life is better or worse until it simply IS. Or now i believe and have seen that Change can BLOW YOU AWAY all at once and change you in an instance.

Anyone of us are afraid of loosing our balance in life, especially when change is involved and mostly when LOVE has anything to do with it..but it is important to look around and remember that it is worth loosing your balance in loving again, b/c it makes you FIND a new balance you never had before!!!

I plan on writing a book very soon on this journey of ours. i would covet your prayers on that, because it IS going to happen!!

I want to thank each one of you personally for being our friends, our support and loving us all through these last 3 years. You are very much a part of our lives and the healing that has taken place, we will never stop thinking about it all. I will continue to write and blog every single day from now on until i feel it is time to put the pen down...There is still so much that has not been told....so move on with me guys and get ready for the greatest days we have ahead of us all.

THE BIG DAY!!!!!!!

2011-04-10T08:31:00.006-05:00

We picked Misty up from home early Friday morning and headed to the hospital!! We got to our room together and there of coarse you know they hooked Misty up with IV's, and monitors and started prep work for the c/section. I will never forget when Misty showed us all her tummy. The night before, she was bored and decided to get a marker and draw a map on her tummy to show us and the doctors exactly where Bryce was! it was so stinkin funny, it made everyone laugh!! There was a few times it was just Misty and I in the room together, and we were just talking about our lives and this story. We were talking on fears again, and misty sort of started to break down with what she wanted to say...and it was the fear of having Bryce for us and something being wrong with him at birth! Because of what we had been through with Lucas at birth, thinking he was perfect and then him coming out with so many issues wrong, misty just didn't think she would recover from it if this happened again. i just balled my eyes out b/c of her selflessness once again, putting our feelings ahead of her own. just amazing.

So they wheeled misty into the delivery room, she got her epidural, and they gave me scrubs and i sat outside the room while they finished getting Misty stable and ready for delivery. I remember just sitting in that chair so nervous for her. I couldn't keep my legs still if i tried. Doctor and nurses kept coming through and would stop and say to me, "Are you M.K., are you mommy?" i said yes i am, and they were all so excited for us! Then it was time! so they called me into the room and i wanted to sit behind the sheeting, right by Misty...She was peacefully in thought and at rest, so i didn't disturb her at all; i just sat with anticipation and prayed for Misty, myself, Bryce, the whole staff.....that this would all be such an amazing experience and we would never ever forget it as long as we lived!! I closed my eyes trying to escape and imagine where Misty was in her mind and what she was thinking...she and i were so connected like that, it was scary! The doctors kept me updated in telling me that he was almost here and that it was going perfect so far. Then three of the nurses moved to the incubator and began prepping it more, so i knew he was here. the moment his head was free and out to breathe he cried, it was the most heavenly sound i ever heard, i can not explain what took place inside of me when i heard his cry...something like an impartation inside, the bond was instant!! When i knew he was here, i bent my head down on top of Misty's and kissed her forehead. I just left my face and mouth on top of her her head and my tears fell on her face, it was once again the most meaningful time in my life and in this journey. Misty had requested that i be the first to hold Bryce after birth, so they honored this. Bryce went to the incubator to be cleaned and they let me help them, and i cut the cord...i could barely hold the scissors cause all i wanted was to hold him, pull him close to me! He was so beautiful. We all turned around and looked at Misty and told her the he was doing great and perfect! So they handed him to me all wrapped up and we headed to the post par tum room where my hubby and best friend is. when i saw Blake, my knees started to buckle, the look on Blake's face was so pure and full of fulfillment! Joy and connection that we hadn't known in two years. He was ours and we were just thrilled to have him in our arms.

Misty was in recovery and doing incredible before we knew it! She is a machine at healing so fast and so positive!! Tomorrow begins the last 48 hours together. stay tuned you won't want to miss the end of this!!!!

HEADING FOR A BETTER LIFE

2011-04-09T08:11:00.003-05:00

Day 4~ Year 2011' for us! Everyone is still doing great, our relationship with Misty and Bryce is growing stronger still. I have to tell you all something i am just remembering about this remarkable woman. It would be just a normal day like today, she would text me to tell me about Bryce and that he is moving alot and poking her ribs, or that he moved all night long..etc. THIS WAS EVERYDAY!!!

Ok back to the story, so i am going to move on into March....it is official! We are all nervous and ready for the big day to be here. I get a phone call from Misty as normal on her appointment day, and she tells me that the doctors want to do an amniocentesis! Their reason was that when women normally get a ultrasound at 19-20 weeks for finding out sex of the child and confirmation of due date, Misty went in around 23 weeks or so...and that is a long enough window that the beginning date and 23 week measurements and date could be construde, and that Bryce may not be as far along as we all think. So i start thinking cause i am a medical assistant as a OBGYN clinic...been in this field for a long time, and i have never heard of this before. ohh by the way, they were going to schedule the ANMIO the morning before the C-section and if lungs are fully mature then c-section the next morning! So i went into work and long story short, YES this is protocol if there is any doubt that dates can be off, plus this was an adoption, and an elective c-section. so it was a go now for the amnio on March 17th, then Bryce on March 18th!

Blake and i did NOT want Misty to do the amnio by herself, so we left Arkansas on Wed. March 16th..picked her up Thursday morning early and took her to the appt..The amnio went beautifully! then we had to hang around for another hour for observation for Misty and Bryce on the NST machine..

Misty and i were alone talking in a cozy little room, and the most peaceful breeze came in that room for the both of us. We were having one of our many last honest talks about where we are in the process. Misty was telling how she just wished with every fiber of her being that things had turned out differently for her w/the baby, the babies dad, her heartache for her son Evan, and wishing she had given him a voice in this decision.....just tears flowing down our faces together, realizing this was the greatest experience she and i had ever gone through and that we would be mothers and friends for life. I think Misty and i should write a book called "AWEKWARD MOMENTS" !! We have had our share of these. Well after what was already an exhausting morning and early afternoon, we took Misty home to rest and prepare for tomorrow, and we went to rest as well....stay tuned tomorrow morning for the greatest day and best parts of this journey yet guys! You dont want to miss it!!!!

A PRECIOUS GIFT

2011-04-08T10:03:00.008-05:00

Misty, Blake and me started talking somewhere mid` September of 2010..Like i was telling you earlier, she and i would basically talk on a daily basis, mostly through text. Right off the bat Misty and i were already reading each other very well, even thru the simplest of phrases we could pick up on hints, fears, dislikes really anything. Anyone who has gone thru adoption will tell you that for two mothers to have such a connection with honesty and not hide any fears was very unique...Misty and i had no one being the mediator b/t our conversations, and while i am talking on this, i want you to know that this is exactly the way Misty wanted it..i had many reservations doing it this way at first and she knew that. Misty would always pick up on my doubts about her changing her mind and just flat out call me up on it..then simply tell me to breathe and relax, that she is NOT going to change her mind and that we ARE getting this baby. that we have no CHOICE!!! She always reaffirmed her commitment to us. She knew of all the horror stories of adoptions where birthmom's would change their mind, and that is why she wanted to go this alone with just us, and that we wouldnt be broke by the end of it all. Blake and i used an agency on our end, simply cause we had no idea how to navigate the fees for lawyers and all the paperwork...I will say that having done this adoption so privately with Misty was singley the greatest experience i have ever had. Misty called me every single doctors appt. and put me on speaker phone to hear her and the doctors discussions and for me to hear the heartbeat of Bryce', every time i got off that phone with her, i just sat in tears for how truly grateful i was for that moment.

Well Christmas rolled around, and we received a present from Misty one day. she had told me to be expecting it..but we were NOT to open it until Christmas. Much to our surprise was this beautiful "willow tree" design of a mother and father knelled together holding a newborn baby, and inside was a hand written note from Misty that read..." Mary, thank you very much for kindness and friendship. Thanking Blake and I both for taking this journey with her when we didn't have to."

And before we knew it we were in January 2011!!!!! But i will save the new year for tomorrow!

Love you all!!!!!!

Making a New Friend

2011-04-07T06:56:00.003-05:00

After the initicial conversation b/t Misty and me, we began talking daily through texting just learning about one another..Something i will never forget about the first of things is Misty had known of our tragedy theses last two years b/c i expressed it in one of our first emails..i started directing her to our blog and she said to me that she didnt want to go to our blog untill she met us face to face..she didnt want to have a preset notion or opinion of it all. i found this answer so amazingly respectful. So Misty invited us to come to her first OB visit arond 8 weeks in Round Rock, TX. So we packed up for that weekend and headed down. I remember the closer we got to pick Misty up from her house, the more nervous i got! The anticipation was of the charts!! We picked her up and headed to the appointment..Misty is so smart, i remember being in the front seat turned around listening to her and thinking, i have never been so intimidated in my life. She remembers anything she learns, or reads and is well adversed on the world and the problems in it..It made for wonderful conversations the whole time. So we got there and she invited me to go back with her to see the doctor. and the visit went just perfect. After that, we spent more time the afternoon eating and talking again; and headed home to Arkansas. As soon as we dropped Misty off at her house and left for home, i dont think blake or i said one word for miles it seemed. Then i look over at Blake and he was so speechless and moved, i was crying my eyes out..Misty had become such a part of our hearts already, she let us in so easily and love was already being done in our hearts for this precious woman. Something i want to say here before i close for today is this: All of us have searched for signs, for God to show us the right way, or confirmation from friends and family that you are making the right choice. Well i will tell you that in the worlds eyes, this path with Misty we were on was stacked against us b/c it was unusual to bond this well and easily with the birthmom, to have no one navigate our conversations and just trust one another with our hearts...but it was Gods plan from the moment Misty and I were born, to introduce us and let us walk this together. We DID pray for a sign, and all the rest to make sure this was right, you know Misty and our family had already been hurt in the worst ways, we had lost our son..and misty had lost Evan her 6 year old son temporarily and was fighting to get him back, so all of us were "raw" and "vulnerable" God knew we needed one another, and i believe that more everyday we still breathe! Cant wait to tell you whats next......untill then

A New Road

2011-04-05T10:09:00.005-05:00

Day 1~ How many of us have experienced first hand, known someone, or simply read about stories that change you forever? Stories as seen on "extreme homemakeover" and such. Once you have, it connects us all in a profound way even if it is through tragedy or comedy; life and death. It also seems to me that you are merely exsisting in this universe, going through the motions, family, work, school, home etc., then we all get up the next day to do it all over again right? This world is so unpredictable whether you believe we derived from exsistance of things before us, or we believe that a sovereign God formed us from the beginning of time which is called sovereignty. Either way we are all born, we grow up, find meaning and purpose and start to experience the throws of LIFE! Well hopefully we have all walked through and had someone else's "random" acts of Kindness in our lives because there is one thing that all human beings can agree on and it is the definition and feeling of the word "HOPE"! Today on Day 1~ this is how our New Road begins, with hope. THIS THING CALLED TWITTER! If you know about twitter, then we all follow someone else and keep up with current events and such, even a great way to meet knew people. As life would have it for us, a friend of ours follows a certain ministry out of Texas thru twitter; one day there was a tweet sent out talking of a young woman who was early pregnant and that we all need to pray she wont abort this baby but she will consider adoption. So our friend emailed this ministry and spoke to them of blake and i and what we had been through. With in a 24-36 hour window..our history got to our birthmom, and she contacted us through email. She chose us and we were so honored! tomorrow i will tell you how this beautiful friendship with our birthmom Misty begins.

Settling In!!

2011-04-04T12:53:00.002-05:00

So we have made it home safe and sound from Texas! First we want to say thank you to everyone who held our hand through this adoption and gave your love, support, and prayers. Blake and i in the next coming days, will try to begin telling you this amazing journey we have had. Bryce is now two weeks and 3days! He is weighing in now at 8lbs. and 20inches long. He has received and perfect first visit and our pediatrician's office as well! Bryce is also sleeping around 5-6 hours at a time in the overnight hours..just a perfect baby and we are so honored to be his parents!! Pierce has taken his big brother role in full swing. If Bryce is remotely upset, here he comes to his rescue whether it be putting a passy in his mouth, or coaching mommy on how to help calm him down. So precious!! We want everyone to tune in starting tomorrow on our blogging, because our story will begin for you all! For today, please take time and enjoy looking at our family and Mr. Bryce Samuel Weindorf!

2011-04-04T11:54:00.005-05:00

Welcome Bryce Samuel

2011-03-18T10:26:00.002-05:00

Born 3/18/11 7:57 AM; 7 lbs - 14 oz; 19.5 inches.

All are doing Great!! Thanks for your prayers; God is so AWESOME!!!

We are truly blessed; as if we weren't before...

2011-03-03T15:45:00.002-06:00

Yesterday we received a huge blessed from a dear friend, all her baby stuff!! We have been trying to figure out what to get before we go to Texas for the birth of Bryce and what to wait on until we got home with him etc. Well wait no more; we have all he needs and more!!

Times of Refreshing!!!

2011-02-01T19:16:00.004-06:00

I hope everyone is doing great in this New Year of 2011'
Preperations are underway for our baby boy BRYCE! Due now to be with us on March 17th! Misty the birthmom is doing awesome, this has been so wonderful to get to know her through everything, i wouldnt change a thing! We will be in Texas when he is born. We have been painting the nursery and chose the colors baby blue and brown and some lime greens to accent! it looks fabulous. Pierce is so excited about having a baby brother, matter of fact i picked him up from school and Miss Dana, his teacher told me that Pierce said to her..."miss Misty has a baby in her belly for us, isnt that nice? then he went on to describe how his bed turns back into a convertable bed for his little brother"
So my last day at work will be March 1st! I work with the most amazing people in the world! I am going to miss everyone terribly. Please keep us all in your prayers through this transition, and know that i love all of you very very much and i am so blessed to have you as my friend!!!

Spring is Coming, it's just about here....

2011-01-19T20:53:00.004-06:00

IT IS OFFICIAL!!!!!!!!!

2011-01-05T07:40:00.004-06:00

hELLO TO ALL!

hOPE HOLIDAYS AND NEW YEARS WAS FULL OF LIFE AND MEANING IN EACH OF YOUR LIVES AND FAMILIES. HERE AT THE WEINDORF HOUSE, WE THOUGHT OF ALL OF OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WE HAVE HAD THE HONOR OF KNOWING THESE PAST 2 YEARS ESPECIALLY. GOD IS SO GOOD!
THE OFFICIAL NEWS IS THAT OUR ADOPTED BABY BOY (NOT SURE OF THE NAME YET) IS GOING TO BE BORN ON MARCH 17TH! THOSE OF YOU THAT KNOW THIS DATE IS MY HUBBY'S BIRTHDAY! IT IS SUCH AN HONOR FOR HIM.
MISTY THE BIRTHMOM IS HAVING A REPEAT C-SECTION AND DUE DATES B/T MARCH 16-20! SHE WAS MORE THAN GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO LET US HAVE THIS DATE FOR THE BIG DAY!
SO MY SIS IN LAW MANDI TOOK ME SHOPPING AT TARGET TO REGISTER FOR HIM AND IT WAS SO FUN AND LIBERATING!
I FEEL THE FOG LIFTING B/C OF OUR BRAND NEW LITTLE LIFE BROUGHT TO US.
PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR MISTY AND THE PREGNANCY AND FOR US !
LOVE YOU ALL DEARLY AND EVEN THOUGH QUITE A FEW OF YOU ARE VERY FAR AWAY, NOT A DAY GOES BY WITH OUT ME REMEMBERING YOU AND PRAYING FOR FAVOR AND GRACE!!!!
TALK TO YOU VERY SOON. ALL MY LOVE,
MK

Merry Christmas to ALL

2010-12-08T10:19:00.001-06:00

Trip to Texas!!!

2010-11-21T14:27:00.002-06:00

This Past Friday morning in Round Rock, Tx, we met up with our birthmom Misty and took her to her appointment and ultrasound. We had an awesome time together, and we are just so honored Misty has chosen our family to have this precious gift!
We found out that we are having a bouncing baby BOY!!!!!
I tried my very best to keep my emotions at bay untill blake and i were alone...I think for Blake and myself, we are always having at heart Misty's road she is walking and her feelings through this journey..I can tell you however that when we finally anounced Boy...that inside from head to toe a soothing warm feeling went through my body, it was a feeling of peace and contentment that i had not had in a long time.
On the way home we already began to think of names and we are still looking for one...At the moment it is Jace Samuel Weindorf! The name Jace means "Healing"! so appropiate for our family. Continue to ask for you all to hold us up in prayer these next few months for our lives and Misty. God is so very gracious and sovereign! Our family loves you all very much and talk to you soon.

Heaven is the face of our little boy...

2010-10-01T09:06:00.004-05:00

Heaven is the face of a little boy
With deep blue eyes
That shine so bight in the sky.
Heaven is the place
Where he calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is a half smile palsy kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with him gone.
Heaven is the place where he takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little boy,
Heaven in the face of my little boy.

My spin of the “Heaven is the Face” by Steven Curtis Chapman

We had the honor of going to the "A Night with the Chapmans" concert; Steven Curtis Chapman, Mary Beth Chapman and Caleb (his sons band), last night. What a great but emotional night!! The music delved into our experience of Love and Lose and now adoption. I would encourage all to attend or check out Steven Curtis Chapman's new music, Mary Beth Chapman's new book, as well as the band Caleb!!

Here is a you tube video of "Heaven is the face" (mute our music player before playing this)

Happy Birthday Pierce!!

2010-09-29T22:37:00.003-05:00

Happy birthday to my first born young man now 5 years old today! So proud of this boy, he is a rare jewel to our family..we have given him gifts throughout the day, at school we threw a little party, it was memorable! But i think that tonight when we were winding down for bed, getting to our usual routine...of pierce brushing teeth, potty before bed, reading a story and tucking him in to pray..tonight i stayed by his bed just laying over him and rubbing his face; he turns over and says, "moma, i need you to rock me". So we are wrapped up with his music on, he ask me to sing "rock a by baby", i got through it twice and he was out in my arms..his body became limp you know and very heavy, at that moment it allowed me to remember how it felt to hold our lucas afterward when he passed, we had given him a precious bath, i wrapped him up and held him and just wept, i remember how heavy his body started getting..so tonight as i looked at pierce and the similarities b/t the both of them..i just thanked God for this level of PUrE Joy Pierce brings our lives, the healing he carries with him..i felt so covered by love and blessed to be his mother..

As this weekend unfolds, we will live and learn and bleed and break for our loss in just 2 short years! But the Grace is poured out in abundance over us and for that i am thankful for this journey..

When Your Hands are Tied

2010-09-25T07:23:00.002-05:00

This Week has brought the family back to a place of understanding God in his way of doing things; if there is anything this family or anyone else who has had loss, grief, or lived through life and death situations has learned, it is that when God is steering your life, and His will is being performed..you Let Go and Follow!
If you have ever been left with nothing, feeling washed out and unusable...when you least expect it, His Grace can pour over you and bring resolution!
God does take care of His OWN!
The Only thing or person that ties your hands is YOU..as soon as we voice out what we are going through, say to the Lord "I am ready to let Go", His Mercy takes place over fear, and understanding only Jesus can give begins to lead the way!

2010-09-18T07:16:00.003-05:00

Blake, Pierce, and me are embarking on a great thing! Adoption!!
We are overwhelmed with the possibilities of what is coming next!

Pierce's Vowel Song

2010-09-10T07:24:00.000-05:00

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Pictures from our trip to Chicago (6-20-10)

2010-09-10T06:55:00.007-05:00

Here we go...

Keith Urban at Soldier Field

Chicago Kids Museum:

Cubs Game:

Streets of Downtown:

Navy Pier:

Shedd Aquarium

Back to Blog Time... ...

2010-09-07T22:14:00.004-05:00

Wow,
Busy Summer! Mom is doing better and is finally back at home now! Optimizing her medications have done wonders! We have been to Chicago, then just got back from camping, Pierce man started school Pre-k, i can't believe it and he loves it!!!
I want to let everyone know that Blake and I have finally started pursuing adoption plans!! We are trusting God around every turn and it is quite an adventure!! We covet your prayers through this amazing new journey! We will keep you posted on things and try to get some pictures and videos up soon.

New BrandNewChurch INNERTAINMENT Series this Weekend!!

2010-06-29T14:53:00.004-05:00

Check out the preview below for the new INNERTAINMENT series beginning at our Church this Sunday July 4th!! If you need an excuse to visit a church this weekend use me, haha. If you are on vacation catch the service at 11am online by clicking the i-campus link.

Thanks and have a great and safe 4th of July, The Weindorf's

INNERTAINMENT PROMO from Shannon O'Dell on Vimeo.

Rehabilitation and BRI in Little Rock, Ar

2010-06-05T21:22:00.002-05:00

Mom is going on 4 days in rehab now. Very slow hopeful progression! Have recently found out another small urinary infection once again, being restrained with another round of antibiotics; moms heart is very weak and is a little irregular anyways.. From the moment morning comes they have her up and stirred, moving everything physical, occupational, and speech..so we are seeing slow results. My God is Faithful and there IS so much Power in the name of Jesus..He is effecient and supplies our every need..this is my breath and prayer for her. She is the stongest and selfless person i know. Thank you again for keeping up with our family. There will be a Joy Unheard of and Unseen when this is all over!!!!! Let the Miracle be for my family.

Thanks for your Prayers for my Mom

2010-05-28T06:35:00.002-05:00

Thanks for all your prayers for my mother; God is answering them and she is showing signs of improvement. Tuesday afternoon she started trying to respond and to try and talk some. Also, that evening when we got back up to the hospital there was this huge rainbow over the hospital from one side to other. She seems to slowly be coming out of it and the Doctors still aren't exactly sure why she slipped away; they thought it was encephalitis but now they aren't sure it is/was. Please continue to pray and that she will have no permeate effects from all this. On Wednesday she called me an idiot so know she is getting better, haha... ... Thanks again for all your prayers!!!

Please Pray Now for Marietta Knight

2010-05-25T00:03:00.003-05:00

Please pray for God to heal my mother in the name of Jesus.

We just got home from the hospital and she was moved into the Critical Care Unit today. It is a long story starting a few months back starting with a few falls earlier this year to a bit of memory loss.

The diagnosis looks like encephalitis (infection and inflammation of the brain) but they are not certain. They are continuing to run tests but over the last week (since she was admitted this last time) she has gone from not talking to not responding and is practically in a coma at this point.

She is now on low flow Oxygen and has a feeding tube (never thought I would be doing this with my mom so soon after going through all we did with Lucas... ...)

Will post more later, but believing that our God is Mighty to Save tonight! We are in desperate need of our Saviour now... ....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUCAS, We sure miss you!!

2010-05-10T16:12:00.005-05:00

Missing our baby boy so much today!! Moment by moment thinking of his warm smile and his contagious laughs. He would have been three today... ...

Building 429 - Always Lyrics

I was standing in the pour raining
One dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye
Her face was torn and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said He would have been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face
What was I supposed to say

But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

Happy Mother's Day; Pierce's Concert...

2010-05-09T20:48:00.002-05:00

Mixed emotions as usual this time of year. Our church, BNC, had a block party in northern Arkansas yesterday that our worship team from Bryant went up for. Pierce thought it was his concert so we let him open up with his new favorite song.

Check it out:

Anniversary Trip to Cabo San Lucas

2010-02-27T22:59:00.004-06:00

We've been back a few weeks from our 8 year anniversary trip to Cabo San Lucas, just now had time to complete the video to post. It is a very long one for those of you have time to watch it has all the video and photos from the trip for your viewing enjoyment... ...

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

If you don't have time to make all the way through there are a few of our favorite photos below.

The 8 year mark wasn't the planned year to try and go back to Cabo, but we realized that we needed to just go when we could make it happen and so we did; we were going to go at 5 years and that didn't happen so way wait until 10 years and have something stop us then.

We had a fabulous time together there, the hardest part away was missing Pierce so much. We went for 7 days and that is the longest we have been away from him since losing Lucas. If we had realized how kid friendly the resort was we would have brought him with us; though the time alone was very nice too... ...

One interesting part of the trip was that from the first day there we keep running into a family there with a son named Lucas, and he was about the age Lucas would have been. It was a bit ironic and a little sad reminder at first but we came to find it joyful as we watched him play and remembered our son. He was so cute; there is footage of him in the video. They even called him Lucie like we did. Actually, it was two families there together and they had two little boys with them, both named Lucas... ...

We relaxed, went deep sea fishing saw a lot of whales and dolphins and only caught a sea lion ( actually he didn't get hooked but hung on to the bait while Blake reeled him in a bit and then let go ), but the best part of the trip had to be the Americas Cup sunset sailing tour we did out of the Cabo marina. It was so peaceful sailing on the Sea of Cortez out past the Arch and into the Pacific; highly recommended if you ever go!!

I have one more picture from our anniversary dinner that was taken while we ate, it turned out very good but I'll have to scan it to post it.

Update w/pictures from last weeks Ice

2010-02-05T23:39:00.005-06:00

Blake and I are escaping the cold this Sunday, leaving for a week in Cabo San Lucas to celebrate our 8 year anniversary. We'll have lots of pictures to put up when we get back.

We went to Cabo on our honeymoon; the ironic thing is we never realized the Lucas in Cabo until Lucas passed, weird huh?

We've been busy getting ready for our trip; Pierce will be getting spoiled at Grammy & Pop's while we are away. We signed him up for pre-K for next fall, can't believe how he is maturing. We found out he could count to ten in spanish this week, didn't even know they had taught him that in his pre-school... ...

As you can see Pierce had some fun in the ice left behind by the sleet and bit of snow we got last weekend.

For Lucas (and Joel) - by Catherine Lacey Dodd

2010-01-10T18:17:00.004-06:00

Looking back over the years wilst restoring the previous posts that were accidently deleted last year we found this wonderful poem written for Lucas by Catherine Lacey Dodd that was posted to Reuben's blog shortly after Lucas passed. We never reposted it here but it is a fabulous piece of poetry one that has truely touched us again.

This time reading gave us such a warm and hopeful feeling in our hearts remembering our son in heaven and the lives he touched on earth.

Thanks again so much Catherine!!!!!!

For Lucas - by Catherine Lacey Dodd

When Angel Lucas took his first long flight
To God in heaven bathed in wondrous light
He looketh down to see his brother Pierce
And mom and dad so sadly bathed in tears

He asked Dear Lord “Why did I have to go
Just as my life was blossoming, all aglow?”
His tiny wings then mustered up the strength
To meet his Guardian Angel, Heaven sent

And God embraced him in his loving arms
All saints and heavenly creatures with their charms
With God he understands what we can not
It all makes sense, no need for Why and What?

A special place in Heaven has been saved
A place where God has gathered those he made
You’re dancing now with Angels, children too,
With patience they have waited long for you

That heavenly place more beautiful than we can say
A place for love and laughter, ecstasy
So Lucas asks you not to grieve for him
For he has done Lord’s work with your dear kin

Upon this Earth he touched and he invited
A plethora of lives across the world united
He playeth now in wonderment with God
Stands by his maker’s comfort, staff and rod

You ached for him to grow to be a man
Yet he fulfilled what God intended, his great plan
A life full of such intense family love
It overwhelms, it breaks my heart to think of

Go rest in peace our dear sweet Lucas boy
Your life has touched so many lives with joy
The peace I found within me when I saw
The love and excitement of your darling boy

In Memory of Joel Whitlow Foote Jr.

2010-01-02T09:39:00.005-06:00

We lost our Precious Joel last Sunday. Such a loss to our family and a great warm heart gone all to soon. Joel is Blake's oldest nephew, his step-sister Lezlie's oldest son. He was always so loving toward our children and brought a smile to all those around him. Blake was down with his family hunting last weekend when everything happened. He was so glad he was there to help the family, though nothing can ever really help in a situation like this. It brought back all to familar feelings for us. We are comforted by knowing that he and Lucas are together in Heaven!

Joel's service was wonderful and his visitation had almost a 2 hour wait to get into the funeral home. He will be greatly missed by all who knew him.

Joel Whitlow Foote, Jr. (April 22, 1985 - December 27, 2009)

Joel died Sunday, December 27, 2009 as the result of an automobile accident in Montrose, Arkansas. Joel was a native and life long resident of Hamburg, AR. He graduated from Hamburg High School in 2003 and he was the manager of Jade Foods. He was a member of the First Baptist Church. He attended the University of Louisiana at Monroe and was a member of the KA Fraternity. He was an avid duck hunter, deer hunter and he loved to lift weights and play baseball. He was a very loving and compassionate son, brother, husband and friend.
He is preceded in death by an infant sister, Felicia Stock Foote; his paternal grandparents, Billy Foote & Mildred Sawyer Foote and his maternal grandfather, Donald Seamans.
He is survived by his wife, Jennifer Garner Foote; his parents, Joe & Leslie Seamans Foote; a brother, Drew Foote all of Hamburg; a sister, Destin Foote of Monticello; his grandparents, Dane & Annette Weindorf of Hamburg and a host of uncles, aunts, cousins and friends.
Funeral services are 10 a.m., Tuesday, December 29, 2009 at the First Baptist Church with Dr. Bobby Pennington and Jim Ward officiating. Burial will be in the Hamburg Cemetery. Pallbearers are Jeremiah Simms, Brent Harrod, Michael Stanley, Patrick Owens, Javan Long, Gregg Hiegel, Rob Perry and Gene Barnes. Honorary pallbearers are William Foote, Bain Foote, Jeff Foote, Jr., Dax Weindorf, Blake Weindorf and Wade Lindon Tubbs. Memorials may be made to the First Baptist Church Building Fund, PO Box 352, Hamburg, AR 71646.

This picture was of Christmas 2007; Joel is holding Pierce

(Lucas is in the middle)

Merry Chirstmas and Happy New Year

2010-01-02T09:04:00.002-06:00

and Sorry it has been so long since our last post... ...

We have been doing well and had a good Thanksgiving and Christmas with family.
Pierce is growing up so much over the last few months.

We have been so blessed in 2009 and look forward to what is in store for us in 2010.

Here are a few pictures from Christmas:

Little Red River Trip

2009-10-05T09:31:00.000-05:00

We went to a little cabin to get away back in October and went trout fishing on the Little Red River. Thought I would look back and share a few pictures.... ...

In Memory

2009-10-01T08:09:00.003-05:00

This week has been difficult; we are breathless at many times again remembering exactly where we were at this time one year ago. We are going to get away again this weekend, leaving this afternoon, to be together just Pierce, Blake and I. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and memories of Lucas.

In Loving Memory of Lucas. You left us all to soon last year (10/2/08) but you will never be forgotten.

Thanks for watching over us Blue Eyes!!

Happy 4th Birthday Pierce

2009-09-29T08:01:00.001-05:00

He has also started playing soccer...

And is going up too fast.

2009-09-21T18:40:00.004-05:00

What Do You Do When... WANTED TO PUT THIS ON OUR BLOG FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO STILL FOLLOW WITH US: THIS IS A DEAR FAMILY WE KEEP UP WITH, THEIR PRECIOUS MORIAH, BLAKE AND I KNOW TOO WELL HOW BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN THIS IS.
THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW OUR STORY WILL SEE WHEN YOU READ THE PARALLELS OF OUR JOURNIES WITH THESE ANGELS. THESE PRECIOUS WORDS HAVE BEEN MADE MORE AWARE NOW ESPECIALLY EMBARKING ON ONE YEAR SINCE THE GREAT SADNESS OF LUCAS. WE ENCOURAGE YOU TO GRAB A CUP OF YOUR FAVORITE BEVERAGE AND SIT BACK TO PONDER...READ..PRAY FOR THIS FAMILY AND THEN FOR US...WE LOVE YOU ALL DEARLY
What Do You Do When... you wake up with a lump in your throat, but don't have anymore tears left to cry it out?..... ..... What do you do when you get home from a long day at the hospital and take a shower, where you can finally be alone and cry in peace - but you still can't and the lump in your throat is still there?It's just been one of those years...

PLEASE PRAY NOW

2009-09-16T19:26:00.004-05:00

for Moriah and her family, they have been in the hospital since November of last year and has battled daily since then with many issues. She is a CHARGE friend of ours and her blog is here:momentswithmoriah.blogspot.com/

Pierce Swimming, Trip to Lucas's Marker

2009-08-22T23:09:00.006-05:00

Sorry it's been so long since we've posted we've had a busy and mostly fun summer with lots of ups and downs still in the healing process and hoping that September and October wont come with the dreaded sledge hammer blow we are fearing on the anniversary of our precious one's departure from this life into the next.

Fortunately we are seeing God's grace and mercy move in our lives more freely these days which has been a refreshing to our spirits.

Just thought I would try and catch up with some over due pictures so here goes:

Pierce's infamous "cannond" ball

Our trip by to see Lucas's marker today... ...

I would say to "see him" but I can't seem to put in those words because most days we see him everywhere we go and because we know he is not really there at the cemetery, of course he is in heaven.

I must say that Lucas has the best looking marker on the lot, guess he stands out in a crowd even now...

Pierce loves to play with the toys on the other markers so we cleaned a few off and straightened a few things up. Guess we need to drop some off at Lucas's

Pierce can recognize letters now so he spelled out Lucas's name even though he can't read it.

Summer 2009 Hi Lights

2009-08-21T23:34:00.002-05:00

BNC Worship (that's Blake shoulder on the right too... ...)

Lots of Swimming

A little bit of fishng

And fun on the lake

including the fourth of July

Keith Urban Concert including a lucky backstage pass to met him!!

And then he came to see us right next to our row!!!!!!! My hand is down there close to his guitar.

More Chilling

and a little resting

and some magic springs.

Letter's of Faith

2009-07-25T13:47:00.007-05:00

Sorry it has been a bit since my last post..The race of life is very enduring!Two things i want to write, share about is..Just two evenings ago i was in our closet looking thru some files, documents i was searching for in a little safe we have for important things..The phrase taking your breath away LITERALLY applies here. i did find what we needed as well as on the very bottom of the stack...Letters written by our closest family and the dvd we had put together that we played for lucas' funeral. Haven't seen it since, AS WELL AS the cd that he slept to every single night. So i look..i stare..dare i touch it you know, as if it were going to break or bite me..The front cover of his dvd was covered in a montage of lucas' pics throughout..as i sweep my hand across it and flooding memories leap into my chest..i calmly cry, then looke past it down deeper into the box and found two letters. one written by blake's dasd to us after Lucas passed and one that he included that was written by blake's grandmother to his grandfather concerning Faith. i can never do them justice by telling you in my way, so blake and i have decided to place it here for all to read..someone WILL get great release and benefit from it. So i am sobbing at the freedom these this letter gave me thursday night sitting in the floor of my closet. Holding on, loving and feeling again his pure love. Lucas' obituary was there as well..enough said about that right?

The second thing is that pierce will start school again tues, wed, thurs in august..Was praying of going back into the medical of obgyn and landing a job after being out of work so long, Well God answered our prayer and i start monday at the very place and doctor that delivered me, as well as my two boys!!! A wonderful peaceful place. I believe it will be healing to help others again, to be around babies and HOPE others bring in. And maybe i can help heal a life that hurts deeply..I hope life and this letter finds you all well, i pray whatever you believe..that ur waters are being stirred and ur wellsprings of life are alive and kicking! For those of you hanging onto your frilled and raveled end of the rope...i pray for clarity of mind, and hand to squeeze and a breath of fresh air to help change your circumstance.. Let these two letters be of service to you. take it in!! love

2009-07-16T21:31:00.002-05:00

An evening to remember: July 16, 2009

Today we traded in our honda for a bmw convertible. It is a blessing!! Tonight just a bit ago blake wanted to take it out for a spin to see what she could really do. The top is down, mister pierce man tucked away tightly in back behind me, and we are off..Pierce yelled at one point on the interstate "Dad look at the star", then we realized and explained to him it was an airplane. He was having a blast letting his face and hands fold with the wind! For me it is a moment to steal away with all the memories as blakes driving! Pieces of our souls continue to return, new ways of surrendering to the seasons of life!! It is life...This is our life now..We are blessed to have it! I am walking instead of crawling. We love you ALL!!!

2009-07-15T14:30:00.001-05:00

since we haven't gotten around to restoring the old posts accidentially deleted just yet I thought I would add a link of the videos from those posts.

click here to watch all the ones on one true media's website.

Lucas = Love + Light

2009-07-13T13:54:00.002-05:00

Missin' my Blue Eye's, wishing I could come home and check on you, pick you up from PT, take to ACH for a check up... ... I'm sure you've more important things to do today playing with the Angels and family in heaven while worshipping like only you could. Love Dad (blake)

2009-07-08T10:31:00.002-05:00

Hope everyone had an awesome holiday and good times with loved ones! We had a blast at the lake. We are blessed to have incredible friends and family surrounding us. Pierce and myself are having what seems a summer cold! We feel horrible, so we r home in bed resting up trying to recover. Blake is well and working hard for the family.
I realized out on the boat this weekend whilst watching the water and sky...that i am finally coming out from behind the clouds! The fear and anguish is starting to subside, i am responding better with myself and others naturally now instead of faking it to save face! Little pieces of my soul are starting to reform an take notice of my surroundings. My eyes are starting to look up for help from God and his grace instead of my fist being raised in anger and doubt. Dare i say this next line....I am finally hearing songs again, as i sit at the piano or quietly still i have been letting the songs come to me and it is vulnerable whats happening! Instead of letting this whole experience take me and our family over, i am taking it over within and bringing my life, my emotions, my belief and thoughts upward..So we are treading softly and with great respect on this new road, stopping often to take it all in again, smell the roses, taste the bitter, grief our losses and walk on!! I love the song "Walk on" by U2!! This song talks about fighting for freedom after being caged up like a bird, then fighting to survive once you fly..So the lesson for today that i have learned is there is mending taking place, no matter how fragile and loose the ends are, my streams are beginning to move again, and i am not as thirsty as yesterday!! love mk

2009-07-01T18:30:00.003-05:00

Hello to all!! Ohh Blake and I love you all so very much. I am amazed at how healing and uplifting it has been to blog again, to hear from all of you. Having others carry and emphasize with us is family. Happy 4th of july to everyone!! We are headed to lake hamilton with family from thurs-monday. This has been a great week so far. Probally the best since our great sadness thanks to our support from you. I am beginning to see daylight.

making sense of grief

2009-06-30T18:49:00.002-05:00

After doing some searching and opening up to the reality of our loss we realize that we are in a good place and that the next "stage" of moving through our greif is upon us.

Also, after talking with Pierce... ... who the other day while we were talking about Lucas asked, "Momma, are you sad?" the conversation went like this:

Pierce: Momma, are you sad?
Me: Yes, I miss Lucas.... ... you remember Lucas, your brother... ...
Pierce: Yes mom, where is he?
Me: You know ... ...
Pierce: He's with Jesus!
Me: That's right
Pierce: Momma, I can make you happy!
Me: Yes you sure can!!

Then tonight while sitting with Blake:
Pierce: Dad, momma's sad
Blake: Yes, but that's ok
Pierce: We'll make her happy.
Blake: Yes we will, your right

Anyway after finding a link on stages of grief and sharing it with a few via e-mail, my sister-in-law, Karri, sent me this that is a wonderful explaination as well:

“At one time or another the emptiness comes. Know this space. It may be with you for a time and it may be one of the most important spaces in your life. It is in this quiet after the outward grieving that the seeds of your new life begin to grow. Some call this emptiness the ‘dark side of the soul’. You’ve let go of something precious and familiar and the new meaning is not yet known. It takes a lot of courage to live in this emptiness. Just be with it. Pay attention to what is trying to grow-new qualities or ways of being, new ideas about work—whatever. There is an old Zen saying, ‘You can’t fill a teacup that is already full.’ If we allow the emptiness we can move to a new fullness. You have a choice with this time. You can use this quiet space instead of it using you. Catch up on sleep. Take long walks. Work with the earth. When our hearts break, they break open making more room for everybody and everything—more love, more joy, more compassion. We can stay open to loneliness and pain knowing it is moving us to a new fullness OR we can shut down. A heart that is broken open doesn’t close unless we close it. One can’t have others think or feel this out for us. One must do the work for oneself. There are no short cuts. You cannot go around—you can only go through it.”

May grief fill your soul and mend your broken heart again.

Here is the link to the seven stages of grief that helped me make sense of where we are:

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Interesting that it says "It actually is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad eight months later." Well, that is where we are here eight months later... ...

Moving forward and looking forward to the "upward turn"

A grip of reality!

2009-06-25T17:29:00.002-05:00

talking with mom today. They lost my sister stephanie michelle when she was 3 days old. she is 4 years older. We were rolling over our lives, sort of a from then till now history..we suddenly found ourselves speechless. My family has served and lead in churches, love God with every fiber of our being, and yet I am at a place in life and my soul where i can't get passed the grief. Lately reading Gods word, worshipping, or daily thoughts..i relate God with loss, grief, sadness. So i dont want to have anything to do with that realm. I know his sovereignty, i have embraced his mercy in my life, and walked in his grace, yet this pain is so real, tangible that even the very RAW word of God sends me into the abyss! I know, unbelievable but i am being so honest. Blake and i know that God knew this would happen before the foundations of the earth, but grieving is a part of healing. So i am soaking and asking Him for a solstace!!!! This is nothing we could ever conjure up, i just can not explain...all i can do is speak of what is truly happening. I have read today everyones comments and wept, because of the love and advice you all have given. This is a way for blake and myself to find relief even if it is just for the moment..We LIVE in the moment these days. love you all and hope today has been great for you.

The War within

2009-06-24T20:10:00.003-05:00

Today is wednesday, commonly known as humpday. waking up this morning yet again another elephant in the room day. I wake up every morning with high hopes that with prayer and a good attitude things will be ok...promising. Normal routine of getting up, dad is off to work, pierce and me have breakfast and make plans for the day. My bestfriend Amy called up and invited us to go see a movie with our kiddos at the Rave theater. Awesome time!!!! We came home to take our naps, but when i woke up my heart and mind were at war and very depressed. You know, those of you that have walked with us thru all of this, grief has many faces and creeps up on you without having any respector of persons. We went to church tonight and saw all our friends, i even sang. Praying intentally that God would touch my heart, there was so many friends, joy, and hope but i just couldnt take it all. i looked at blake and said i am ready to leave. The sadness in my heart overtook my emotions i hate to say. Angry at myself for wanting him back so deeply even though i know he is completly whole and perfect now where he is awaiting us, but my soul calls out for him. So anyways as i wrap up this post for today, love you all and thank you for writing in to encourage blake and i...This is far from over, the dust has not even begun to settle but i am greatful at the end of each day knowing that i had the priveledge of being lucas' mom and blake his dad. Lucas had the heart of a warrior! That same heart is in me, i just need to find it again.

A great father's day

2009-06-21T13:17:00.002-05:00

A great day being father's day. Of coarse we all know blake is pretty incredible. We went to lake ouachita with 30 of our friends, so fun! Doug and Shelly have a houseboat they take out. the last time we were on it, was last year with lucas..the second i stepped on the boat yesterday i could just smell and feel him everywhere. it knocked the breath out of me, then i cried behind my smile and glasses, shook it off and continued on. Little did i know that my close friends remembered it as well and were grieving without saying anything untill later. This never gets easier. We are going to start reading the book "the shack" this week. i tried to a few months ago and couldnt do it, just wasnt in the mindset i needed to be..it is difficult reading..but blake and i know too well what the "great sadness" means. Today we are going to the movies with pierce to see night at the museum. Then on to my parents house for fathers day dinner with family. As i sign off i just want to take a sec to honor all the dad's we know and follow through the last 2 year journey. Our family loves and thanks you all!! To all the blessed moms, lets all stay strong girls!! Give all you kiddos hugs and kisses. talk soon

Our Rock Star... ...

2009-06-19T22:45:00.003-05:00

Found these pictures from a few weeks ago, honestly can't believe how big Pierce is getting these days. Not that we are partial but he has to be the cutest kid ever and steals our hearts more everyday (at the same time we wonder what would Lucas be doing now... ...)

In other news, we ran into Jeff Matthews and his family at Sam's today (he is the morning show DJ that interviewed Blake) Got to catch up again real quick and he told us about an e-mail he got from a listener; a dad that had lost a son three years ago and told him how much it meant to him to hear Blake on the radio and to share the things that he did.

Pierce with cousin Gracelyn on the drums

the weeks go by... ... Blake on B98.5 ... ... oops

2009-06-17T19:03:00.004-05:00

summer is officially in full swing now and starting to fly by us now. we have been at the lake the last three weekends in a row with family and friends. Pierce actually tried to water ski for the first time last weekend and we can't wait to post pictures of that (they are on another camera till then)... ...

Blake was interviewed Monday morning by our friends at B98.5 (the radio station that we've done the ACH radiothon with the last two years) We know them through our precious Lucas, who they also hold dear in their hearts. Anyway, they had a "fabulous father's" week and interviewed different fathers each morning on the show. Blake was probably the only one not a of "local celeb" status, others included Jim Bob Duggar (has a reality show/family with 18 kids), Wess Moore (local sports reporter), American Idol Kris Allen's dad Neil Allen, Jeff Kinely (pastor and author).

Ok I just figured out that you can listen to Blake's interview if you click here!!!

Also, in case you noticed I am currently restoring all my previous posts due to accidentally deleting them when I updated the blog recently. Since they are also linked to my facebook page as posts there as I add them back they look more recent there. Fortunately Blake was able to grab all the cached versions of the posts before we lost them for good. Hopefully over the next few weeks we'll have them all back on in the original order.... ...

2009-06-10T15:29:00.004-05:00

today is quiet around the house. pierce is home with me. he has a summer pre-school tuesday and thursday from 9-2!! He loves it so much, growing up wayyy to quick for us. We want him to stay this way forever, for many reasons as you all can imagine. The family is going to Lake Hamilton tomorrow until sunday, we are ready for some r&r! I have been relentlessly studying to retake the ACT again since highschool, i am planning to go to school next fall of 2010 to be a scrub technician. Being involved asisting in the OR and emergancy is in my blood i think. having a medical background previously before pierce will only help my chances i hope! Blake and i are working out in the evenings to P90X! look it up online if you don't know. It has been incredible and incredibly hard. Amazing results after just few weeks. i encourage anyone to do it if they want to tone up and loose some. hope all is well with everyone..to my dear friend catherine, reuben..know that i love you both more than you will ever know. have a great day everyone. talk soon

2009-06-08T22:16:00.002-05:00

hello to family and friends everywhere keeping up with us and our journey! We have been off line for awhile as you well know but you all were never far from our minds and hearts. We have prayed and waited to see how things would begin unfolding for blake and me...pierce as to whether we keep writing or close things down alltogether. We know now that with a few changes, 9 months passing that we are making strides, stumbling around here and there, conversations so difficult, marriage strain, and raising pierce with a new view and purpose. But that is just it. new purpose, beginning to see daylight so to speak. Still feeling guilty when we are remotely enjoying life, forgetting, trying NOT TO remember or not wanting to go there...memories so great that they take our breath away and not so great that we wanna fade away in the wind, just to be caught up to the heavens. I stopped by at the cemetary a few weeks ago just me, as i bent down to clean things off i realized i was holding my breath so tight that i got dizzy and sat down in front of this stone emblom with my sons name on it, and a rush of silence came over my heart..silence was all around, even in the wind, the ground. I was ok, just ....quiet. So as God allows and as our hearts stand erect, we will press forward and begin sharing NEW THINGS..of love, life, and family as we now are and know it to be. I hope to have you all join us again so we can heal and love again, and always let you know how much we appreciate the prayers, and support you've given. we hope to hear from you soon. signing off...mk

parent's grief

2009-04-15T20:28:00.003-05:00

The link here is the best explanation of a parent's grief that has lost a young child that I have seen and really explains all that we continue to go through since the lose of Lucas.One of the most relevant quotes to me is "When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future."The article is long but worth reading to help anyone better understand parents who have lost a child.

2009-04-02T16:31:00.003-05:00

today is six months since the devastating day in childrens hospital. around 4:00pm is when we lost our lucas today. Very present and near our hearts is such emptiness for him. Wanted to share with all that we could NOT have made it without you. even now we are stronger having known and build such wonderful relationships with all of our charge friends around the world. Thank you for all you are and that for us you really do care!! As i sit and ponder today of all lucas life from birth till now, everything is a bit hazy..the only thing standing out is THAT DAY, the heartcathe and the downward spiral from there....we are quiet in our hearts as we remember what a joy and honor it was to raise and love this precious lump of clay!! Love everyone and hope all is well with whom checks in on us thru our blog!! Pray for grace and peace continually. TX

BNC BRYANT Worship Team doing Coldplay's song "LOST"

2009-03-13T08:45:00.006-05:00

This was an awesome opener to last weeks worship set. My twin brother Tony starts off the song and Sean Michel (american idol season 6 finalist) rocks it out with a re-write of the rap portion of the song. Check it out, but please scroll to the bottom and pause the playlist before you watch.

"Carried to the Table"

2009-03-03T10:38:00.018-06:00

Carried to the Table from Leeland on Vimeo.

Please pause the playlist at the bottom to watch the video... ...This is a moving song, I can't help but feel that Lucas was "carried to the table" and I know that he is with our Lord. We were shattered by our fall of losing him but God continues to love and heal our family as we move on through this life... ... Honestly I am jealous of Lucas when I think about the peace and shear joy that he has now seeing the face of Jesus and playing with the angels.As for Blake, Pierce, and I we are doing well. Pierce started a new preschool last month and is adjusting well there. He seems to really enjoy school and is going up so fast. Here are some recent pictures.

Pierce in a tree at Blake's grandmothers house that Blake climbed when he was a boy

Pierce & his Pops (my dad) greeting on a Sunday morning

Tricycle race at Pierce's preschool

he is so funny... ...

BNC Bryant One Year Anniversary

2009-02-22T21:16:00.000-06:00

Happy One Year BNC Bryant Campus!! Thanks for standing with us through it all... ... This is what church should be!

ACH Radiothon

2009-02-11T08:42:00.003-06:00

Lucas's story continues to touch many lives. Blake and I have been asked to do a live interview again this year for the annual ACH radiothon.We plan to be as prepared as possible but your prayer will help too... ...

We are scheduled to be on at 9:30 am this Thursday, Feb. 12th.

Also, Angie, Blake's step sister, who is a school nurse and coming up to donate all the money her school has raised the last few months for ACH in honor of Lucas; she just e-mailed and they raised almost $6,000.00 from the kids bringing in change to school. Way to go guys!!

UPDATE: By the time Blake's family from Hamburg arrived to the ACH radiothon they had raised over $8,000.00

Click the link for more information: http://www.archildrens.org/foundation/news/radiothon.asp

Pray for Moriah and Family

2009-02-10T13:10:00.004-06:00

Please....please take a moment to pray for this sweet family and the healing of this precious heart baby....Moriah has taken a turn for the worse following a long recovery from a recent heart repair.
We really feel for them and all they are and have been going through. Please Lord in Jesus Name, heal this precious child and bring strength and peace to her family!!
Thank you....

Just for Today

2009-01-24T21:46:00.004-06:00

Just for Today by Vicky Tushingham

Just For Today Just for today, I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it just one day at a time.

Just for today, I will remember my child's life, not his death , and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.

Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

Just for today, I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today, I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.

Just for today, I will free myself from my self inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child because I know that would have made my own child proud.

Just for today, I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent, for I do know how they feel.

Just for today, when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving, and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.

Just for today, I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for today, I will accept that I did not die when my child died. My life did go on and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

`By Vicky Tushingham from Alive Alone

Lucas's Memorial Marker

2009-01-15T17:33:00.002-06:00

It finally came in and was set after we got back from our ski trip... ...

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T19:30:00.002-06:00

Upside Down from Pace Hartfield on Vimeo.

New Found Lucas Pics & Our Oct. State Fair Trip

2008-12-15T10:03:00.006-06:00

We took a trip to NW Ark. to see Dax, Karri, Skyler, & Knox (Blake's brother's family) over the weekend and had a good time. The last time we were up there was in August just before Pierce and Lucas started pre-school. Lucas was in his "prime" then and we got these great pictures Dax took of him playing in their drive.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Also, now that time has gone by we feel like posting these pictures of our happy/sad trip to the state fair with Dax, Karri, Skyler, & Knox as well as Blake and Dax's dad and cousin Wade Lyndon "Pete". This was just after we got back from our get away after the funeral. I don't know what we would have done with out our families help through all this... ...

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Another Special Thank You

2008-12-15T09:52:00.002-06:00

We got another precious piece of art for Lucas's room from Blake's cousin Nicole and her husband Jason over the weekend. What a great gift!! Thanks so much guys, we really love it. Here are pictures of it in Lucas's room:

Family Portraits Nov. 2008

2008-12-06T22:46:00.000-06:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Christmas Decorations

2008-12-06T21:43:00.003-06:00

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Lucas's Name in the Sand

2008-11-21T12:15:00.001-06:00

Special thanks to the namesinthesand blog for the beautiful tribute!!

"Real" by MK / Where We Are

2008-11-21T08:17:00.006-06:00

This is Blake, thought I would share this song we recorded while
Lucas was still in his mom's womb. MK got the lyrics to this song
in about 5 minutes flat and we recorded a while back after the
album studio work was finished for the Revealing's CD.

It's a rough recording not professional but I still love it and hope
you like it:

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Also, MK shared this song with me last night as to where we are right now in the beginning of moving on with what sometimes feels like a different life for us now with out our baby with us anymore... ...

Congratulations to Catherine & Jason / Other thoughts

2008-11-10T11:22:00.008-06:00

Congratulations to Catherine & Jason on the birth of their new son Callum Andreas Lucas; words can't express the honor of having them keep Lucas's namesake with their brand new baby boy; all we can say is thanks and though we've not meet yet we will always be together...

as life moves on we are missing our baby so much; Had good weekend, a short trip to see Blake's dad, step-mom & family in SE Arkansas with Pierce. Worship was unbelievable Sunday and we know the God is great!!

Some of our emotions are captured within songs in the following awesome videos:

Lucas's Shadow Boxes

2008-11-02T20:41:00.004-06:00

Finally finished them:

Hallowin

2008-11-02T20:09:00.000-06:00

At BNC we call it Hallowin, going out to pass out salvation / vision DVD's to the community during our trick-or-treating... ....

So here we are the Cowboys and their Indian Princess

4 weeks gone bye... ...

2008-10-30T16:11:00.010-05:00

The dull emptiness is still and always will be all so real... ... only time has distanced us from the sharp pain our loss four weeks ago.

Have pictures to post of our time at the State Fair with Pierce and family but the time will come to post those later. Also, we've decided to bring Pierce home from pre-school till January or so to get to know him again. It's been hard taking him to Easter Seals each day and walk past Lucas's old class room etc...; and Pierce has had some tantrums lately, not sure if they are related to Lucas being gone or just typical 3 year old stuff; but he does seem to us to be more upset at letting go of things he really loves, like his cars and bike??

Still working on Lucas's shadow boxes... ... So, we are moving on though trying to still focus on Lucas with the blog for now; we carry him in our hearts and see him in the stars shining down on us. The sky has always seemed extra blue and bright since our Lucas ("bringer of light") is in the heavens now... ...

"IF I KNEW"
If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

Extra Special Thank You's!!

2008-10-25T20:50:00.004-05:00

We recieved the most wonderful gift yesterday from all of our CHARGE family across the world. Words can't express enough thanks to all our friends who contributed and produced such a fantastic scrap book of Lucas including special thoughts and words of encouragement. We can't figure out how you guys did it; ten moms from literally across the US and the UK each putting their own piece together combining to make such a precious tapestry of love for us.

Thank You so much seems like such small words for such a BIG expression of love, all we can say is we know we are loved, we love in return and will always be connected to you all. Thanks for being there for us and we are always here for you... ...

This is LOVE:

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Also, thanks to one of my closest friends, Anna, for creating this piece of art for Lucas's room:

Thanks to the PICU unit for the hands and feet impressions:

Thanks to our family for the Lucas's room make over:

We are currently creating a shadow box which will contain some of Lucas's favorite things and will post pictures when it is complete... ...

Cards & Letters / Thoughts & Prayers

2008-10-16T08:46:00.005-05:00

The card above is one of hundreds our family has received concerning Lucas. This one is from his friends made over the coarse of his stay in the PICU at ACH. Words can't express our thanks to the staff there for making his stay and last days so happy for us and him.

Thank you all so much for your expressions of love, condolences, and respect for us and Lucas; like him they will never be forgotten.

Two weeks have passed and the pain is dull and constant as we try to breathe and move these days; we are thankful for our Family, Friends, Faith, Hope, Love, and all the great memories of our Blue Eyes... ...

cute picture I had forgot about and just found... ...

sleeping beauties... ..

2008-10-15T12:09:00.002-05:00

Excellent article on Primary Pulmonary Hypertension in Children

Also after some further searching on the internet I found where children and infants with Pulmonary Hypertension and congenital heart disease had a mortality rate of 73% if having RSV (respiratory syncytial virus). With Lucas having CHARGE and PH and getting the adenovirus (very similar to RSV) looks like things (obviously) went down from there... ...

Shine On Blue Eyes

2008-10-08T09:49:00.001-05:00

You drifted into my life you blue eyed boy
My heart skipped a beat, then I was quiet.
So strong in your spirit with such a joy
You proved to us all that life is golden.
Unique and supple so soft to touch
An honor to hold, you and kiss you and such.
The greatest teacher I know laying in my arms
When the winds took a change and carried you home.
With all I am, is honored and blessed
To have held you at birth and held you at rest.
You are a piece of heaven God knew we would need.
To continue this life and sow new seed.
I was there through sickness, health, and death
You were the one who created in me the breath.
In my heart you live on, I see you in everything
To feel the wind on my face I know one day I will sing.
It’s ok to know that God called you home,
To help prepare a place for us, on the streets of Gold.
Around and around and around we go,
You are walking, talking, and singing with a glow.
This life has been touched by the strength you portrayed.
A picture, a tapestry, weaving away…..Shine On Blue Eyes!

What Happened / What Now... ...

2008-10-06T21:12:00.004-05:00

Just wanted to post some detail on what happened to our precious "blue eyes" Lucas on the off chance that we would forget any details later or that someone could be helped by what happened to him. Before I forget to mention, wasn't Lucas service perfect; we thought it couldn't have been better. Thanks to all who came and supported us with overwelming love and kindness.

Lucas's Pulmonary Hypertension got out of control very very quickly the last month and in the cath lab last Thursday the cardiologist said it was the highest pressure he had recorded in a PH case (and he does 200 per year for the last 25 years). The advanced medicine they were trying, Prostacyclin, actually raised his PH slightly and he was already maxed out on sildenafil and inhaled Nitric Oxide. His lungs had permanent irreversible damage and after he came out of the cath lab we were informed he only had days at best. No one thought it would be that day, but Lucas has always done things his own way. So he waited till we knew, and took away any difficult decision we would have had to make and went home after we laid with him a while. Since he didn't respond to the advanced medicine he would there was nothing else that could have been done even if they would have found this much sooner. He had some great days in the PICU and only wanted to play the whole time, even to the end, he played so much that he even started sleeping less, like he knew. He touched so many people while he was here and we'll miss him so very and painfully much!!

We (Blake, MK, & Pierce) have slipped away to breath and grieve and get to know each other again for several days. We are in northern Arkansas in a cabin near the buffalo national river. Things are very peaceful and healing here... ... (special thanks to Fred and Tammy for allowing us to stay and rest here in their home away from home) We feel like we haven't seen each other's faces in so long, especially Pierce's. He is doing well though. We got here on Sunday and plan to stay for a bit. Yesterday we walked by the river and threw rocks in with Pierce, last night we took in a drive-in movie together(yes, they still have a few of those, this one was the kenda in Marshall, AR)and it was a moment to remember, stars were out like never before and we saw a shooting star during the movie. Today we went shopping a bit in Branson, MO and when we returned the rain on the front porch was so peaceful and soothing. Here is a bit of our get away so far... .... we also hope to go canoeing and find other relaxing things to do in this place hidden from time and almost the rest of the outside world (we do have internet from the Gilbert Cafe across the street though), we'll see what we can get into. The hard part is an empty seat in the car and at the dinner table and missing our baby boy so much.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Watch Lucas's service live; thanks, love Blake & MK

2008-10-04T10:00:00.010-05:00

click here: www.mogulus.com/lucasweindorf to watch and chat live...

Thanks for coming; we just thought the blog world would like to particpate since he meet so many of you here, please sign in your attendance under the comment section.

He is finally home

2008-10-02T20:08:00.010-05:00

Lucas grew his angel wings today and went home. He is truly a miracle and we were all fortunate to know him and have him near for the brief time he was here with us. He is whole and healed now with no more tears and no more pain. He showed us what it was to live and laugh through it all. Though this hurts so unbearably bad now and how we wish he would have grown and stayed much longer; our son is resting in such sweet peace now and patty caking with the angels forever... ...

Lucas Fillmore Weindorf

born to us 5-10-07

went home 10-02-08
Viewing Friday, 10-3-08, 6pm -8pm at Griffen Leggett 10200 Hwy 5, Alexander, AR, 72002
Service Saturday, 10-4-08, 11:30 am Brand New Church 2203 N Reynolds Rd, Bryant, AR 72019 with Graveside service to follow at Forest Hills Cemetery 10200 Hwy 5, Alexander, AR, 72002
The funeral service will also be web cast here on the blog so if you can't make it check back tomorrow at 11:30 am

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Details of the day... ... Thursday, October 2nd, 2008

2008-10-02T16:30:00.022-05:00

We really had a great summer despite discovering Lucas had Primary Pulmonary Hypertension back in May; also we really thought we were "out of the woods" with Lucas's health issues before finding this out. Looking back I suppose we should have read a bit more into the concerned look that Dr. Eble (Lucas's cardiologist) had that day.

Anyway you can read all about Lucas's last stand starting here starting with the month of September and here from anothers view. Needless to say but Lucas's Pulmonary Hypertension got out of control very very quickly the last month.

Here is the story of the fateful day that was Thursday, October 2nd, 2008... ...

To begin I should go back to Wednesday afternoon.

As was "usual" routine for our days in the PICU, MK spent most of the day and afternoon with Lucas and left that evening to get Pierce from her mom. I (blake here) had a major meeting for work that I spent the afternoon in till around 5 pm. Went home to eat with MK and Pierce and then went to the PICU to be with Lucas for a bit. At this time no one ever expected Lucas to be gone the next day and we surely had much much faith and sincere hopes that the cardiac cath procedure would give us an answer and a medical solution for Lucas's PH, or that God would heal him completely. When I got to the PICU Wednesday night the nurse had him in his walker (picu style without wheels) and had the restraints they had to use only one night a few weeks before tethered to his crib with his toys hanging down for him to play with. We played a good bit and then I got him back in his crib and played a bit more before he fell asleep for the night around 9ish. I prayed over him and watched him sleep peacefully. I knew that MK was waiting up for me but I just didn't want to leave him for some reason; so I sat on the bed and watched him sleep and headed home around 11pm. I took this picture before I left and it was the last one before the pictures of him intubated and on the vent for his procedure the next day.
On the way home I was thinking how long it had been since I got MK flowers so I stopped off and bought some roses for her. It was a cool night and I figured I would surprise her the next morning with them (I thought it would be a good way to start our big day because of Lucas's procedure). So I left them in water in the car and I also took three out and laid them on the ground from the door to the car. We got up Thursday morning got Pierce ready and made him stay back behind so MK would go out first and find the roses; I must say also that she followed a similar trail of roses before I proposed. Anyway she couldn't really speak but was pleasantly surprised by the flowers and when we got in the car Keith Urban was cued up singing one of "our" songs. (I also must admit that that was because I was listening to his cd the night before and not planned, but she doesn't know that yet still... ...shhh) .

So on the way to take Pierce to school and just before we get there Lucas's very best nurse of all time calls (Amber, who was his nurse for his last four days) and ask if we are close. We already knew Lucas would be intubated that morning early and we had planned on him pulling through and knew that we didn't want to be there while they intubated him. So we told here we were on our way but to go ahead; this is the only thing we have regretted through it all.

We get there and Lucas is peacefully sedated and Amber said he did really well and that of course he got some patty cakes in with all the nurses that always came by to say good morning to him and that she played with him and rocked him before they sedated him to intubate. We wait for the cardiac cath team to arrive and they do and explain everything they play on doing in the lab to check him over, run diagnostics, look at his lungs, etc... ... We walk with him down to the lab and say our good byes and kisses and go back to the waiting room (around a bit after 10 am) to wait the planned four hour procedure time with family and friends who are already there to support us when we get there.

As we are waiting they call a few times and assure us that Lucas is doing good and comfortable (why do they keep telling us how comfortable he is just finish up already). And finally they come to get MK and I from the private waiting room near the PICU waiting room with family and friends and take us across the hall to another room. In it the "team" all start to literally pile in, the head Dr. Green, the PICU attending; Dr. Eble, Lucas's clinic cardiologist; Dr. Fontenot, the cardiologist that did the cath procedure; Leslie, Lucas's PICU APN; Patti, the conselor, and finally his greatest nurse ever Amber. We can feel the seriousness and you can cut the tension in the room with a shoe lace.

Dr. Green begins by telling us that things are not good at all and then defers to Dr. Fontenot to explain. He tells us that Lucas PH pressured measured in the cath lab are the highest pressures he has recorded in a PH case (and he does 200 per year for the last 25 years). The advanced medicine they were trying, Prostacyclin, actually raised his PH slightly and he was already maxed out on sildenafil and inhaled Nitric Oxide. After looking at Lucas's lungs he has permanent irreversible damage from the high pressures. Additionally, his regular blood pressure was around 80 over 30 (left side) and his pressures on the right side of his heart were around 115 which was pushing more blue blood through his ASD and mixing with his blue blood which was causing the rest of his body to get blood with not much oxygen in it, even though his lungs we maxed out and not transferring much oxygen into the blue blood because they have turned so muscular. The die they injected at the end of the catheter into his lungs should have flooded the x-ray with a path through the lungs and it only had a straight line indicating that the outer branches of his lungs were pretty much destroyed. We were informed he only had days at best. I asked weather or not he could be extubated to be allowed to wake up for some hours remaining and they said that was a decision that could be looked at but that there was a possibility that he might not survive an extubation. At this time they said that Lucas was in his PICU room and stable (whatever stable on a vent and with on a few days left means). MK and I were utterly crushed at this moment. I asked Amber if she would take MK to see Lucas and I asked Dr. Eble to go back across the hall with me to talk to the rest of our family.

Dr. Eble and I explained things in a way that everyone could understand what had happened. MK's mom asked surely there was something they could do. Dr. Eble responded with a statement I will never forget, he said, "Lucas's has always been in God's hands, he is in God's hands right now. If God chooses to heal Lucas, then I want to be a part of that miracle. But if God chooses to bring Lucas home then I can't stop Him." At that point I left Dr. Eble to explain more and went to be with MK and Lucas.

Lucas was at peace but his blood pressure was very low and he desated when I got there. Dr. Green bagged him some and they pushed a lot (seemed like a ton) of IV fluids in and his levels improved; [FYI: something we didn't try that helped earlier in the week was the calcium channel blockers that he seemed to really respond to well] but he was still being weaned of his Prostacyclin which seemed to kind of back fire on us. I asked Amber how low his sats were in the cath lab and she said 3!, I said as in the number 1, 2, 3? She said yes... ... They decided to move Lucas out of the crib into a bed so that we could get in bed with him. While they did this I held Lucas and MK went to bring her family back. They all came back and we asked Tony to get some word out to others. MK got in bed with Lucas and laid with him a for a while. MK and I then went to a room outside his bed to talk between ourselves and we had not been in there for a few minutes when Tony came in and said we needed to get back in there. We rushed back and his sats were not good, MK was crying and I was standing over Lucas. Dr. Green then said in my ear that he was passing and there was no point in trying anything else (I assume he meant shocking his heart because a few seconds before I heard someone ask for a crash cart). I told MK what he said and she fell to the floor. Dr. Green asked if I wanted to hold him and I said yes. They began to unhook everything from him and Lucas died in my arms.

No one thought it would be that day, but Lucas has always done things his own way. So he waited till we knew, and took away any difficult decision we would have had to make and went home after we laid with him a while. Since he didn't respond to the advanced medicine he would there was nothing else that could have been done even if they would have found this much sooner. He had some great days in the PICU and only wanted to play the whole time, even to the end, he played so much that he even started sleeping less, like he knew.

After MK got up she held Lucas a while and after a while Dr. Eble came in, kneeled at our feet, put his hand on Lucas, and prayed for a miracle. We did have our miracle for almost 18 months and we'll see him again in heaven. After Dr. Eble said his prayer and his condolences, several of the staff came through and either touched us on our shoulders or said brief words of encouragement and sorrow for us and for their friend. He really did mean a lot and touched a lot of people there. A bit later a nurse asked if we wanted to bath him and MK did. It was the most peaceful and holy thing I have ever seen. They carefully bathed him and wrapped him in his favorite blanket and we held him a bit longer that evening before we decided it was time to go... ...

... ... I think that is about it sorry this post is detailed but we don't want to forget a bit of it as time goes by and as it does we'll miss him so very and painfully much!!

PICU Montage (so far... ...)

2008-10-01T13:03:00.002-05:00

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Beautiful Angel by Catherine Lacey Dodd for Lucas

2008-10-01T09:10:00.001-05:00

Thanks so much for this precious and awesome encouragement for our family Catherine, you'll never know how much it has meant to us this morning; words can't express... ....

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Lucas Update

2008-10-01T09:05:00.002-05:00

Lucas's drainage stopped yesterday and they gave him a round of calcium channel blockers which really helped bring his sats back up. We're checking into weather they can continue the calcium channel blockers but last we heard it in usually not used on a continual basis. He had a good night but didn't sleep much so we're trying to get him to rest up today for the big day tomorrow for the cardiac cath at 10am.

Can't express how much all of your prayers and words of encouragement mean to us over the last few days, it truly strengthens us in our greatest time of need!